What's it like to have a friend?
I've never had a real one.....or anyone for that matter and I've always been curious. And unfortuanetly I might never know what it's like to experience one.
So what is it like to have a friend?
this is something i wonder about to. when i had people i thought were friends, they were pretty mean to me. i am definitely not sure what it really means. but i'm working on making friends. from my perspective, i want to be the kind of friend that can help them when they are down, that can be with them whether they want to talk or do something or do nothing, and someone they can confide in when they want to. i try not to have expectations about what they will bring to the relationship, because i've been disappointed there so many times before.
looking forward to reading other's responses to this one!
@falconer42
You sound like you would be a great friend, and one who practices reciprocal altruism. You do sound like a perfect friend. I'm sure you'll find someone.
And I definitely agree about keeping your expectations low, that way you can be impressed with everything.
@EmmanuelGoldstein it's hard but i kind of try to go through life without expectations. this is a change from how i previously viewed life: with negative expectations. it's still not second nature to me, but it has improved my experience of life. and yes, i am amazed at how often i am pleasently surprised by not expecting the worst from people.
@falconer42 I used to expect everyone to practice reciprocal altruism.
Nowadays I expect everything to shank me. Certainly helps cushion the blow when they tell you to get lost.
@EmmanuelGoldstein yes, i used to expect that too (a shank to the back, right?) but now i practice (and i stress that it is a practice, not something that is second nature) expecting absolutely nothing. even though that's a harder position to maintain than either expecting a shank or roses and rainbows, i find it helps me deal with life on a more even keel.
@falconer42 Well for me they could do it anywhere, it wouldn't make any difference.
And I'd love to expect nothing, though I know what to expect now it's either:
"Get lost"
"Go away"
Or they just ignore me.
@emmanuelgoldstein The experience is different for everyone. I'd say it's a feeling of relief, but you also have to be all-in and put your trust in someone for there to be a real friendship, in my opinion. And vise versa. They have to give you the same in return. This is really hard to accomplish for some, but for others it's a piece of cake. Don't be too down on yourself about this because everyone is made unique for a reason and you are not like anyone else on this earth. So you shouldn't compare yourself to people who have lots of friends. Just be yourself and the right people in your life will come to you.
@findingbalance95 I guess it would be different though I'd assume there's a general feeling everyone experiences. And don't worry I know we're all unique, just a lot of people don't like that idea and insist we all be exactly the same. And I can tell you know I don't compare myself to other people.
And about being myself? I would like too, I really would but my beliefs will alienate a lot of people.
@EmmanuelGoldstein about your beliefs alienating a lot of people...you don't need A LOT of people in your life. Quality over quantity! Get the right few amount of people in your life and you're set!
@findingbalance95 I know I don't need a lot, a lot of friends is nothing more than a fantasy within a dream for me, just one would be enough for me. And two?
Welcome to Valhalla.
@EmmanuelGoldstein wow, i completely empathize with that feeling of not being able to be yourself for fear of alienating people. i recently tried to explain something of my beliefs to my fiancee. i was scared out of my mind. but i really thought through how to explain it before i tried, and i was rewarded by my efforts, because he seemed to at least accept how important these beliefs are to me. it helped to talk out with a listener how to approach it. i very much understand that feeling of wanting to hold yourself back for fear of others not understanding. i have done it my entire life, and reached the point of being tired of it. the need to connect is now stronger than the need to hide (kind of).
and @findingbalance95 i think has it right, it's about quality, not quantity. i don't want to have a ton of friends (sounds stressful!) just one or two really good ones.
@falconer42 Oh yeah, I don't think anyone truly knows who I am underneath, It's a condition of being socially invisible, making yourself as ambiguous as possible and maintaining a completely monotone personality in front of people.
Most of my ideas, what I stand for, what I believe in, what I am are absolutely repulsive to a lot of people, and I want to make sure that I don't give them any ammunition against me.
@EmmanuelGoldstein wow, i really hear that. i've been bullied and physically assault for some of my beliefs, so i keep them very much hidden. i'm just now starting to explain some of my spiritual beliefs (what i was beaten up for in high school) to my fiancee. it's really hard and really scary, but i'm glad i'm starting.
for me, it's been a defense mechanism to hide myself from most people. but it's my understanding that any relationship, friend or more, requires some forms of vulnerability. the ability to allow myself to be vulnerable to a person is one that i am weak in, but i'm training to gain strength in it (vulnerability attribute +1 recently, lol).
it's all weird to me still, understanding the social contracts and glue, what is appropriate to say and what is not, when teasing is a joke and when it is not, when it's okay to be (thankfully) silent with someone, all of this is a learning experience. but it is an experience, and not something that can be learned by reading (i've tried that approach). it's something i have to do to learn. observing can only get me so far.
@falconer42 I guess I should be thankful I never got beat up or anything like that. Just the isolation is unbearable at times. Self-immolation has looked very attractive at times.
I don't think I would be able to open myself up like that, that's probably why I can't have a relationship. One reason why I can't is because I never learned how and another reason is that I simply cannot take the chance, trust isn't something I'm quick dole out.
@EmmanuelGoldstein i understand the inherent incongruity of those positions: isolation can grow to be intolerable, while at the same time, opening up and letting people into your world is also something that seems unacceptable. i'm struggling with that now. i travel around the country full time in an RV, and it is isolating in and of itself, since I'm rarely in one place for more than 4 months at a time. so just from a practical standpoint, it's hard.
and i too feel like i never learned how to be a friend, or more precisely, how to have a friend. i know what i want to be as a friend, but i don't know what to look for in someone else. the girls that were my "friends" in middle school and high school, were pretty mean to me quite often. i was the omega of the group, without the protectiveness a wolf pack displays toward the omega when it is threatened by another pack. girls are very, very pack oriented at that age, and i'm not sure if it ever goes away as they get older. i don't like that dynamic, so i tend to stay away (there are other reasons as well that i shy away from other women, but that's not something i'm going to discuss here -- i can't yet).
anyway, what i eventually did after isolating for my entire twenties (the only friends i had were literally only my boyfriends) was weigh the two risks: 1) how much damage is isolating doing towards me achieving the kind of life i want? versus 2) how much pain will i endure trying to make a few good friends? the answer (at the moment) is that i think the damage from isolation is worse than the pain from finding friends. don't know how long that's going to last.
Oh that is one really good question.
All my life until now I've sacrificed almost anything I had to be around some good friends I thought I had. Family time, my own health and wishes, just to be sure that my close friends were in a good place mentally and emotionally. Until I discovered they started to disappoint me and I just couldn't give anymore. I had enough. So ... I just stopped. With a lot of pain and insecurity in being lonely, I decided to stop giving so much to people who weren't exactly giving back as much as I did, and start giving myself time and care and all those things I was giving away until that moment.
What I am trying to say here? Well... True friendship is hard to find. But it isn't just about choosing a person and starting to call that person your friend and believing in them with all your heart until one moment when you see they aren't exactly who you thought they were. No. A friendship is hard work, lol. It's maybe harder than with a relationship. It's the most honest and close relationship you have after your family.
How do you know you have a good friend? When you see that a person with whom you talk to, is really getting to know you and trying harder to stay with you, support you at all times, giving their time and energy to your benefit and not theirs. A person with whom you can share true moments, even if short or even if it's a long distance kind of thing. You just feel it. You may not have always time to give to this person but you are still trying and most importantly, you can feel that they are as well trying to hold on and also, this person is helping you grow into a better you.
That's at least what I'm looking for in a friend. And don't think you will not experience it ever. You will. You will surely will. Just give it time. Friendships are developing always. Things cannot stay in one place so don't be scared. If it's a true friendship, you will feel it, as you both we'll try to make it work. And if not, you will still feel it. And you will know at some point that it's time to let go. No hard feelings.
@cristiana33 Very deep and thoughtful.
And you've definitely got some great advice.
You've definitely packed a lot in there with a lot to take in so thank you.
This is something I often ask myself as well :/
@camobaby82 It's a horrible feeling isn't it?
It makes me feel ill.
I didn't have friends until I came to college, and even now I only have around 3 friends. When I was in highschool I had people I would hang out with at school, talk to during lunch and stuff, but then as soon as I left they would never text me call me or ask me to hang out. Friends aren't just people you talk to or share classes with. You hang out with them and they want to hang out with you. They are a support system that are people who you think you can turn to if you are having a bad day.
@NavySodium Thank you, very insightful, I don't think I've ever had anyone like that. That does seem like a definition of friendship, though I'm not discrediting anyone else.
Wow. I was not expecting this much of a reply. In all honesty.....I wasn't expecting a reply at all.
So thanks for this it really means a lot to finally get noticed. I'll get around to replying to each one of you individually but thanks again it really means a lot.
@EmmanuelGoldstein
I'm happy our thoughts are helping you and that you felt good seeing this topic being active.
It is indeed a very important topic and you probably had people question their idea of friendship when you brought up this issue. I really hope you will get to know a person with whom you will finally share those deep feelings you are keeping inside of you and get back the same love and care. :)
I also welcome you to write more in the forums... You might be surprised. :)
@cristiana33 If you really want to know why I opened this it's because I was just curious at something I'll never get to try, so I might open up another one asking what's it like to be in a relationship.
Anyway it's nice to invoke such a deep discussion. And thanks for following me.
I feel like having a friend is having someone that you give parts of yourself too, but you don't ever lose yourself because they put into you just as much as you give them. A friend is someone you can lean on and trust that they will always care for you. People grow apart sometimes but friends grow together, and help each other up when they get tripped up. Friendship is a beautiful thing that can be abused, but when it is taken care of in a healthy way, it can blossom into a bond that can never really be broken
@GinkgoLeaf11429 Interesting.
I know what you've described is something that I've never experienced or will for that matter, but thank you though.
