10 Years + Vaginismus 💔 (I'm losing hope, sorry for the long read)
Hi everyone, my name is Camryn. I just turned 26 in October. My fiancé (we'll call him K) of almost six years is 26 as well. We've been on and off together for the past ten years. We got back together in Feb 2019 and have been together since. But there's an issue, a big one that most would have called it quits years ago had it gotten to this.
I've been suffering from vaginismus, and we can't have sex. Ten *** years. Go ahead and gawk at me, I get it. Most people do.
I avoid absolutely anything that involves penetration. I have many traumatic experiences from when I was little, involving "down there". Plus, being taught that sex is sinful and wrong before marriage during your primary years at a Christian private school doesn't help.
Sex feels like a test, like I have to prove my love to him when it's not something I can just "do", though I wish I could. My heart and body do want it, I fantasize about it - until it gets to that point of penetration and it closes up. It feels like he's hitting a wall. We even created a safe word back in like 2017. And I never use it. If I'm uncomfortable with anything I stay quiet, not necessarily because he wouldn't listen, but because I'm already a burden to him by not being able to have sex. I've taught him not to touch me unless I ask him to, but I don't even ask him to. I don't believe I deserve to receive pleasure if I can't even give him what he wants. I don't believe I deserve anything that I need - I don't ask him to do things with me, I don't ask him for help around the house. I lost my job in September so now my "job", according to him, is cooking and cleaning. I've been in and out of therapy, and I don't want to get help right now but don't know where else to turn. I've been distant with my family and ghosted my friends. I barely talk to my fiancé when we're in the same room. It's not because I don't want to talk, I just find it easier to stay silent without risking rejection. I don't talk to him about how I'm feeling. I avoid hard conversations, go silent, get defensive, shut down. He doesn't feel emotionally safe either because of this. You would think after ten years we'd have this down pat. We are also both neurodivergent - he is diagnosed ADHD, I am diagnosed autistic (Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). We both believe he may also be autistic and I believe I'm also ADHD.
He's confided in people outside of our relationship about our situation (not sure who he told) and they all tell him to leave me. He told me this the other day when we were arguing, along with the fact that he needs therapy because of me. I feel so broken and defective. I've gotten dilators, tried and stopped and tried and stopped. I'm back at #2 of #6. And it feels like a mountain that I'll never be able to get over. It's only a matter of time before he's done with me, I just know it. 💔 I know we love each other, but I also know that won't be enough to fix what's happening.
I am aware of how my patterns have affected our relationship, greatly. He has been very patient and hasn't pushed me to try. When we do try, which is few and far between (and I initiate it or state that I want to try), it usually ends up in failure. Him hitting the wall, feeling defeated, me crying and apologizing to him, him holding me and reassuring me. Back in 2020, we achieved partial penetration but it was really painful. He let me have full control, he didn't guilt me for not going further. He really has been super patient and I feel awful for putting him through this. He deserves so much better. And by not being direct with him about what I want, when half the time I don't even know because I carry deep shame about my sexuality and haven't wanted to explore things (I feel this is out of fear and shame, not necessarily because I don't want to be more sexual, but what feelings or things may come up).
