6 Steps to Leaving a Verbally Abusive Relationship

1. Stop normalizing and rationalizing the abuse.

Parental verbal abuse conveys messages often carried into adulthood, making the adults more vulnerable to normalizing verbal abuse. In the adult-on-adult relationship, the target makes excuses for the abuser or blames herself for the treatment because she’s not ready to head for the exit and still has hope that, somehow, the abuser will stop and be kind and loving. Unfortunately, the cyclical nature of verbal abuse feeds this particular stream.

2. Recognize the cycles of verbal abuse.

Walker analyzed a three-part pattern for physical abuse, which is not dissimilar from that of verbal abuse. It begins with a tension-building phase, as the abuser starts the cycle of criticism and verbal battering; in physical abuse, there is then a violent incident which, broadly speaking, is absent from the verbal cycle, although it may take shape as a huge argument; and, finally, there is the honeymoon phase which is most significant to our inquiry. During this phase, the abuser becomes complimentary and caring and may even apologize for his behavior, promising to change. She will tell herself that things have turned the corner.

3. Confront automatic or fallacious thinking.

Intermittent reinforcement is what gives the honeymoon phase the power of super glue. Then there is the fancy name thing, the sunk-cost fallacy, which, once again, testifies to how humans are more likely to stay than leave. The thinking goes, "If I leave this relationship, I will have lost all the time, emotion, and energy I have invested in it.” Of course, those investments are long gone anyway, which is why it’s called a fallacy.

4. Focus on how you are affected by the verbal abuse.

Shift your focus from the abuser’s behavior to you and the behaviors you’ve developed to cope. Take a long, hard look at what is happening to you, your sense of self, and your ability to think independently. .

5. Allow yourself to feel your emotions.

Denial and hopefulness require you to tamp down emotions like anger and pain while permitting yourself to feel outrage at how you are being treated is key to being able to deal. You may be surprised by the mix of emotions you feel and by their strength; even in a verbally abusive relationship, you may feel an enormous sense of loss which co-exists with feeling ashamed that you stayed and permitted it to go on. This step is best accomplished with the help of a gifted therapist.

6. Imagine a different future.

Talk down the self-doubting voice that tells you the next time won’t be different, or things could be worse. Remember that you can’t change anyone except yourself and that change and having a different life are possible. Seek out support if you need it.

Read the complete article available at Psychology Today!

Reflection:

*It can be extremely hard to leave abusive situations and even harder when trauma bonds are formed. It's important to remember that you are worthy of being treated better.*

What are some other tips that would be helpful when leaving an abusive relationship?

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