A Losing Battle

I am told by her that I didnt care. That I wasnt motivated; supportive; yet, “You're a very nice guy and my kids love you!“ I am better at communicating. I have learned, through help, to live better with ADHD/OCD for me and my family. (I used to suck with emotional convos and communicating; but WAAAY better now; better late than never!) I have been there for her through cancer, through the loss of a young one with many disabilities, through her trying to confront her past, through trials and tribulations of all sorts of accounts in her life. Ive did the “husband/man“ scenarios as well, like it should be. Yet, we werent married. Ive takeb her kids under my wing WHILE respecting the boundry of their true father. I started doing better to fix the bridge between me and my kids in order to blend the family together. I had some hurdles for that goal but was close to acheiving it. I felt i was even “listening“ more. Us guys tend to want to fix things when our partners just want us to listen. I became better, especially for her, at listening. We learned so much from each other. She felt as though i was leaning on her the last year. I was raised when im down; you got me, when youre down; i got you....and when we both are up; things are good. I had a part-time job and trying to start a business. It was lije she cheered me on and then boo-d me soon after in the same game. She said i only said things “so people can hear what they want“. I said everything i say and do is from the heart......

I am not saying she was never there...however when times got rough, or disagreements happened (we never yelled), she wanted to quit it and run. Now she has blocked me, callously doesnt care and I am alone. Im kind of tired of hearing “Now you gotta live for you; do whats good for you”….what does that mean? What was good for ME, as a man of a house, to see the family strive and thrive. What made me happy was having the family happy. Thats what I lived for. That was me living for ME. There was no alterior motive, no back up plans, no cheating, no scandal. I was there through sickness and health. As a man, i lost all of that and feel worthless. As i feel she smiles, has fun and glad i am gone while i struggle to even find a meal. 

“Two boxers are fighting. Boxer One is totally dominating this round. Destroying his opponent, Boxer Two. The bell rings. Boxer One goes to the corner: cut man, trainer, doctor, ice man, hype man, mom, brother/sister all in that corner. Boxer Two: just the stool....“

Iam Boxer Two......

Thank you for listening to me ramble.....i messed up. My decisions killed my relationship with the best person ive ever had. Thank you again.