Am I overreacting?
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. A few weeks ago we got into an argument because he wanted me to meet one of his work friends. He was helping him do work on his farm and I was to hang out with this guys wife. I have social anxiety and I've never met these people before. I didn't want to go. Also it's worth mentioning that I wasn't asked to go, I was told I was going. Anyway, I refused to go. I didn't feel comfortable sitting there all day with someone I didn't know especially without my bf with me. He said I was being childish. He tried to guilt me into going. Said his friend already thinks I'm coming and he's gonna be mad if I didn't go. Ever since then my bf has been weird, or maybe I just saw him in a different light after that. He's been treating to break up with me on multiple occasions since then over stupid stuff.
He just called and told me he wanted me to wear a sundress all day tomorrow, out in public. Said sundress is spaghetti strapped and show a lot of skin that I dont want everyone seeing. I told him I'll wear it around the house but i don't feel comfortable wearing it outside the house. He said how are you supposed to feel more comfortable if you don't meet new people or wear something other than shorts, jeans and tshirts?
I really just want him to respect my boundaries without questioning them. Am I overreacting? Do I have a right to be upset? And is he right about me needed to get out of my comfort zone?
@Hmr89,
does he know about your social anxiety?
He does. He thinks it's something that you can just get over. I told him I've had it since I was a kid and he thinks I should have just outgrew it.
@Hmr89,
that's what I figured. That his approach is like "get over it". He doesn't seem to get how deep it can run. And now he starts pushing you, trying to persuade you I guess. His efforts might be well intended based on his views. It's not easy for you and not easy for him to deal with. It takes a lot of time, patience, and a safe place for both.
Have you ever considered therapy for both of you, so the therapist can help you guys to create mutual understanding, to create healthy boundaries? Or maybe you guys have a mutual friend that is good in listening and understanding and can help you guys to really talk and connect?
I can suggest therapy for us but honestly, I doubt he'll go. We don't have mutual friends. I don't really have any lol. They're all his friends.
@Hmr89
Hello 😊 How can I relate to the situation you described as a grown-up boy with some mild-to-medium social anxiety issues:
I believe your boyfriend's ideas are kind, and not at all intended to make you any harm. But they way he puts them into action - forgive me this joke - seems like a green drunken elephant joyfully marching through a china shop in an earthquake-risky area 😉
First of all, you are an adult person and it is you who makes the decisions about yourself, including your social life and the way how you look.
No one, including your boyfriend, has the right to make behind your back any decisions that belong to you.
I guess even to a person without anxiety issues being put among strangers for an entire day, with your partner vanishing and scarcely caring, would be very uncomfortable and horrifying.
I think that should be more like entering new waters you don't know: first you have to just wet your feet, before you decide to go knee-deep or swim. It could be like meeting your boyfriend's buddy on your own ground and your terms first. Or getting to know better at least one person before you go there. Or paying them just a short visit together, instead of staying for all day off the cuff.
The fact that your boyfriend feels safe and familiar with them does not automatically imply that the starting point for you is the same.
Obviously, you could take some risk and check if the world outside your home is really as bad as you think 😊 But the decision is yours, because to feel safe you have to be in control - at least for the beginning.
I believe it is quite similar with you wearing a dress. That sounds really sweet if wanted to emphasize your beauty by some female look 👍 But I guess you should be given a chance first to wear that dress when you are alone or just you two at home. See yourself in the mirror and smile to yourself several times. Hear how your boyfriend is excited about your new look.
But no way a head jump into dark waters straight away.
You are certainly not overreacting. Considering the circumstances you should be treated with patience and care - until you are ready to try.
