Am i in a toxic cycle

I don’t even know how to start this properly but I need to tell you everything because I feel like I’ve been holding it in for so long and I just can’t anymore

I met him after he sent me that friend request and I didn’t even text him first because I was too scared I actually liked him but I overthought everything so much that I just left it and my friend ended up taking my phone and messaging him for me and that’s how everything started

From the beginning I was already not okay in myself with him I was overthinking every single thing he said or didn’t say I would reread messages I would sit there wondering if I annoyed him or if I said something wrong and I kept asking him what I did wrong because I genuinely always felt like I was not enough for him like I was always trying to reach something I couldn’t reach

Then when he had that plane crash I stayed with him through all of it I was there for everything he was going through emotionally and mentally and I didn’t leave him I stayed because I cared about him and I genuinely didn’t want him to go through something like that alone

But at the same time I was completely falling apart too I just never showed it properly I would go to sleep every night feeling anxious and unwanted I cried myself to sleep so many nights it just became normal for me and I still stayed and acted like I was fine for him

Then we started dating and I thought maybe now things would feel different maybe I would finally feel secure but it didn’t change like that

And this is where things really started getting heavy because he became controlling over literally everything in my life I couldn’t wear what I wanted without it becoming a problem he had opinions on my clothes my makeup my shoes everything I wore or how I looked he would question it

He had issues with who I was talking to all the time he would question why I was online at certain hours who I was on call with what I was doing and it felt like I was constantly being monitored

I couldn’t hang out freely with my girlfriends without it turning into something I had to explain and I couldn’t talk to my guy friends at all it always became an issue and it started feeling like I was slowly being isolated from everyone

Even the smallest things in my normal life started becoming arguments like if I was online too late or not replying fast enough or just living normally it would turn into something I had to defend myself for and I started feeling like I was walking on eggshells all the time just trying not to trigger another fight

But I still stayed because I cared about him and I kept thinking maybe if I adjust more maybe if I do things better it will calm down

When he had his Spanish exam for his CPL I pushed myself so hard for him I stayed up the entire night I barely slept I went to work the next day teaching 35 little kids while I was completely exhausted and I remember standing there and just feeling like I was going to break down crying because I was so tired but I still did it because I wanted him to pass

And then he didn’t pass and I was still there after that still trying to support him even though I had nothing left in me

After that everything just got worse between us even his mum is super cold towards me

We started fighting more and more about random things and he would disappear sometimes for hours or a whole day and I would be calling him over and over not knowing what was going on and I would just sit there feeling anxious and scared and then when he came back it would feel like I was the problem for even reacting

The last two months especially have been really bad because I’ve been crying and begging him to just talk to me properly I’ve been feeling completely shut out like I don’t exist in his life emotionally anymore and one night I was crying so hard I could barely breathe I was shaking and I was literally having a panic attack just asking him to talk to me and instead of comfort I got called dramatic and overreacting and screamed at and that really broke something in me because I wasn’t even asking for anything big I just needed him to be there

And I think the hardest part is I’ve been trying for so long that I stopped recognising myself in this relationship I stopped feeling loved I stopped feeling secure I stopped feeling like I mattered and I just became someone who is always anxious and always tired and always trying to fix something that keeps breaking

And I do love him I really do I love him so much it’s actually hard to explain but I also can’t be the person who fixes everything for him or carries everything for him or calms everything for him while I am also breaking down myself because I’m not his mother and I’m not his therapist and I can’t fix what’s going on inside him

And that’s what hurts the most because I love him but I don’t feel loved properly in this and I haven’t for a long time and I feel like I’ve been surviving more than I’ve been in a relationship

I just needed to tell you everything because I’ve been carrying it alone for too long