Anxious and avoidant dynamic
My avoidant bf of 1.5years first time ever asked for a break. He says he hasn’t been happy in a long time and needs to figure out what’s the best for him. What else can i do besides hobbies as distraction to stay calm? I feel like i have a mini panic attack every day because of that cus i’m being left in the dark
@calicocat6
🥺
💜💕
I'm sorry you are so stressed.
It's important to give him the space he needs even if it hurts.
What calms my anxiety is listening to music and letting the thoughts be drowned out.
Getting exercise, tiring myself out so I cannot overthink 💕💜
Thank you so much!ð¥º
@calicocat6
[Note: I think my post may be too long, so I broke it up into parts. Sorry for the inconvenience.]
In addition to what Amanda84 suggested, recognize that your life won’t be over if this relationship is over—you will get through this. You will either come back together stronger as a couple or part ways because it will be best for both of you.
@calicocat6
This might also be a time to re-evaluate the relationship. Even if you are nowhere near discussing marriage, it is okay (and in my opinion: advisable) to think about it for yourself.
@calicocat6
This may be overwhelming to think about—but you can do this. If you don’t have friends and family who can help you, you have a whole community here at 7cups who can be here for you.
I bring this topic up because I didn’t have this kind of introspection before I got married (and I was marrying my soulmate and the love of my life).
You say your bf is avoidant? Do you want an avoidant husband or father to your children? Or do you think he will change (or that you can change him) into a self-aware, loving, and confident man of integrity?
Part of anxiety comes from The Unknown, especially the unknown of your bf’s decision. While you don’t have control over that (hence the anxiety) there is a lot you do have control over—and more importantly you have people here who can help you gain that control, and hold onto it.
Sorry everyone, the reason I couldn’t post my message in its entirety was because I included an “inappropriate” word? Here is the entire paragraph (I purposely misspelled the taboo word, so it wouldn’t be flagged this time):
This might also be a time to re-evaluate the relationship. Even if you are nowhere near discussing mar-riage, it is okay (and in my opinion: advisable) to seriously think about it for yourself. Do you eventually want to get mar-ried? Do you want to have children? How many? … etc.
Thank you Tom for your insight!
We’ve discussed marriage and kids topic and we’re on the same page, as well as on everything else almost. A few months ago when he first mentioned he’s starting to feel a bit drained from the relationship I encouraged him to set some boundaries, how much time spent together is ok, how much alone time he needs etc. He couldn’t do it. And now he’s telling it’s too late for boundaries and he needs the break to think things over, see if he’s even willing / or can change. I again told him I’ll be there for him, learn about attachment styles and support him on his journey and we can grow healthier together. Words don’t seem to get to him and it hurts a lot to be left hanging like so.
(Sorry for my English, it is a second language for me)
Those few days I’ve spent alone have taught me that when something goes wrong and i feel sad I subconsciously make things worse in my head. I express my feelings stronger hoping if I make my sadness bigger, maybe he’ll notice and comfort me more. I unconsciously exaggerate the pain to get attention and care and it’s an unmet need for steady reassurance thats been building up. But me feeling that strong negative emotions brings anxiety to him and somewhat anger even. So it’s a difficult circle where we keep triggering each other.
@calicocat6
The first thing I want to say is, I admire anyone who can speak 2 languages (especially since I can’t).
You are doing great!
The next thing I want to ask is, Are you sure you both are on the same page? (I am not asking because I am doubtful. I am asking to explore the topic deeper.)
Before your bf decided to take a pause, did you both have a date or a time frame for the wedding? Did you both have a plan for the event: Big wedding or small one? Formal or informal? Location? What type of food would be served? etc. etc.
Oftentimes (but not always) a man will say he is in agreement or he will “allow” his future bride to make all the decisions. There is a difference between a couple who is equally enthusiastic and participatory in the planning compared to a couple who defers most of the decisions to one person.
Regarding children, I think a similar exploration would be beneficial before a final decision is made.
What do you think?
@calicocat6
In regard to your second message about making things subconsciously worse in your head … I really respect your courage and integrity to speak and acknowledge the truth about your motives: making the sadness bigger in your mind in order to comfort an unmet need. If you’re working with a good therapist, this topic would be essential for your growth, with or without your bf. (I don’t mean to single you out personally, I believe it is universal for all of us to recognize when we try to manipulate people or situations to satisfy unmet needs … and the only way to get those needs met is through our own personal emotional and spiritual journeys (like what I see people try to do here at 7cups).
So, I encourage you to get comfort and sympathy from friends and family rather than put it onto your bf. His frustration with you is a good indication of the dynamic you have created. And your bravery in seeing this truth about yourself is a sign of you growing and becoming more mature—even though it is heartbreaking 😭
Hang in there … remember to seek comfort from friends and family, or from your religion, or here at 7cups.
If there is any way I can help, please ask.