Breaking up

Hello, I broke up with someone i deeply loved yesterday. And im feeling extremely sad about it.

I ended things from my side. I realised i shudnt have stayed at all. The things i knew about him were all red flags. We met on an anonymous website, which i later found out was for s e x ting, and when i asked him about it. He admitted that he had s e x ted random females but that was last year. But that doesnt explain why he was still there at that website when we met. Developing trust in this situation became hard for me, cause id never be able to know when hed go back to doing all that.

Before me he was in an on and off relationship with another woman for 5 years whom he deeply loved, he says that they werent together when he was s e x ting those girls, but that woman found out abt it and they both had a big fight on the road where they cried and all. They were still talking to each other after that issue. Even when we both met he was still in touch with her. And when he realised things were proceeding with us, he stopped talking to her. To me it felt like, only when he felt assured of emotional security from my side, he felt safe to let go of her. Told me things like he’ll completely cut her off (meaning block and everything cause he had stopped talking already) at the right time, cause there are a lot of things in his life for him to handle right now. Hearing it that way made me feel like it is not something that he willingly chooses but something that is expected of him. Made me feel like i became the point where moving on became easier, not someone he chose after he had fully moved on, because i assume he never had. All the while we were together, he never told her he was dating me. We had a fight abt it once and he told me that he would tell her and cut her off. Was it smtg i needed to tell him? Wasnt it something that he has to do, because thats just a bare minimum of respect i can recieve.

I have been a woman, where all my life i have dreamed of having only one love in my life. So to be loyal to that to me relationships were never casual, but he had dated a few other woman in his past. Which made me question if our values aligned. It hurt me.

We are both muslims, and smoking and alchohol is considered something extremely wrong in our religion. He smokes. But he told me he had tried alchohol in the past but never touched it when he realised it was wrong of him to. I respect his honesty about it. Because he told that to me himself, when there was no need to. He told me all the things about his past because he said he wants transparency between us. And he sees this as a chance that god has given him in life and he does not want to mess it up.

Because we met online, i cannot ignore the fact of how things began between us. He kept reminding me of sharing my face picture and ending it with “no force”. I realised later on that it was emotional manipulation.

I had never been in a relationship before. And the fact of how unexpectedly we met, got me to believe that he was the one for me. So despite all i knew about him, i became attached and developed feelings for him. Despite all this i began loving him.

I started convincing myself that all of it was okay, started ignoring my values, and forcing myself to adjust to his values. But i realised later on that it costed me my peace. Forcing me to lose my self-respect. I realised that peace need not be traded for love. The right kind of love brings peace with it.

He confessed to me first. And I knew i wud to, but i needed time for it. Meanwhile 2-3 times he said “I so wanna hear it” that made me feel pressurised in a guilty way, and kindof forced my confession at a pace which i didnt feel comfortable with. When i confessed he cried to me on the phone of how grateful he is to have me, and that he wud do everything right this time, because it is so precious he doesnt wanna lose it.

Before i confessed he used to order me random stuff, and give random surpirses and we’d talk all day. But soon after i confessed i felt a shift in energy and i felt more emotionally invested. I felt i was giving more, which felt totally okay to me. But we started to reduce the time we spoke to each other. Because it was a long distance relationship. I felt i was the one always waiting, adjusting, and forcing myself to shift my standards and my values for him. Sometimes i felt taken for granted, and when we talked abt it, he’d try to work on it.

When we were together, we had decided we’d make it work till the end, get married and everything. And this was not a silly decision. We really were into it to make it last.

But everything about him, i realised disturbed my peace, and the fact that id have to be in that diaturbed peace for the rest of my life if i choose him, made me hesitant abt the relationship. I raised my doubts to him, and told him im unsure abt this relationship, told him that it wud be unfair to keep him emotionally tied when im figuring things out so he can take his space if he needs it. But he told he wants to continue to talk while i figure things out. And i realised that i cannot compromise my peace for love anymore. I have the right to have both. I cud never fully trust him. I cud never trust the foundation of how it all began, him still in touch with his ex, and he never evne told her abt us. It felt like he wanted to keep that door slightly open.

It felt better to let him go, so i broke up with him. I chose peace over love, cause love without peace wud not last long.

But nevertheless it was love, and i was attached, and it hurts me not to have him. I just needed some support. This is my first and hopefully last breakup, and i dont know how to deal with it. I feel very suffocated. And i wanted to talk abt it.