Change

I struggle with schizophrenia and other mental health challenges, which makes it very hard for me to regulate my emotions, especially anger.

I have an amazing boyfriend. We’ve been together for four years after I left an unhealthy relationship. He is incredibly patient and communicates his feelings calmly and respectfully. He tries so hard to understand me and never makes me feel small.

I’ve picked up unhealthy behaviors from past relationships, friendships, and family dynamics. I genuinely want to change because I want to be a good partner and someone I can feel proud of. He deserves the best, and I want to give that to him.

Even though I work hard on myself—thinking about my reactions, trying to respect both his boundaries and my own—I still fall into old patterns. Earlier in our relationship, I would react emotionally when he wanted to spend time with friends. I didn’t fully understand what I was doing at the time. I’ve also been dishonest in the past, which I deeply regret.

I have changed a lot. I now encourage him to see friends, I try to take responsibility when I mess up, and I don’t intentionally try to make him feel guilty. But I still struggle when emotions take over. When he brings up concerns, I sometimes interpret it as criticism instead of a conversation about solving things together.

He sees my growth and tells me he’s proud of me. He loves me and wants us to work. But arguments still affect him, and that hurts me.

Sometimes I feel like there’s a part of me I can’t fully fix, and I’m scared of losing him. We both want a future together—marriage, kids, growing old side by side. I just don’t know how to finally overcome this last barrier.