Confused
Hi, this is my first post. I'm looking for feedback, opinions, advice... Anything to help me clear up this mess in my head 😓. I should start with, I have ADHD and pretty bad rejection sensitivity that's probably been exacerbated by past traumas. In 2019, I left the father of my 3 children. It was a very toxic relationship that lasted 14 years. I was broken. I seeked help from a women's center that delt with abusive situations. I was finally starting to regain my freedom. In 2020, I met a man. He supported me, he was kind, caring, attentive, and very respectful. I had no intentions in getting into a relationship but things were so easy with him. Talked all day all night. We starting seeing each other and everything was great. He had warned me he hated kids (which I had no intent on letting him meet for at least a good 6 months anyway so I proceeded with caution). After six months, he decided he wanted to meet my kids. I nervously agreed. It went pretty well. I could see he was not used to kids, he was nervous but the kids were great with him. So he started seeing them more and more and I could see he started getting attached to them. He even started learning their mother tongue. One day, it's like a switch turned on. He wasn't ready for a relationship like this, he couldn't be who I needed him to be and he wanted his freedom. So we broke up. He wanted to remain friends and the kids adored him so I agreed. He has been to every single important event since, comes over at least 2x a week. Is with us on all important holidays and even took a trip with us. Still talks to me all day and a good part of the night everyday. When he comes over, he sleeps next to me and sometimes cuddles (nothing more). If my kids call for him, he drops everything to be here. He's grown to love them. Everyone can see it. Now, the issue is, I still love him. These past few months, we've grown closer, shared some of our past traumas together and have been supporting eachother in receiving help to overcome our pasts. He also has ADHD, Anxiety and being evaluated for Autism (Asperger's) along with a pretty traumatic childhood that has left him with very poor self-esteem. My friends think he loves me. He says he does but as a friend. I catch him staring sometimes, I can see how he wants to be close to me, and he'd do just about anything for me. I know he loves me, but I don't think he has ever loved or been loved before. So he tends to run after women that don't want him and he gets crushed when they reject him. But nothing like if I were to say I want no more contact with him. He's told me he would die without me in his life (not as a threat but a genuine: you matter too much statement). My friends are certain he loves me and tell me that we'll eventually end up together while I'm trying to remain friends with this man that means the world to me while facing my own past and managing my feelings. Our history hasn't been pretty, we've been a bit on the toxic side but both of us refused to quit and things have gotten better, much better. There's more trust, more care, more honesty and open communication and much, much less arguments. We're both determine to heal. Is there any chance for us? Could we be more? Can I finally get over him even if we're still such close friends? As anyone ever successfully done so? Because it feels like I will never be able to let go of him, it's like my soul hurts just thinking about it 😔. Any advice is welcome and thanks to those who took the time to read 🙂
@versatileSugar2384
wow, it's a hard one. you clearly love each other, but have issues being together. every relationship is a bit like that. having to solve conflicts and having to compromise. maybe you can continue this special friendship without moving in together? maybe friends with benefits? maybe open relationship thingy? your story sounds a bit like When Harry Met Sally...
he does sound like a keeper for the sake of children at least.
@LostTurtle2 Thanks for reading and replying 🙂. He is definitely a keeper, he just doesn't know it 😕. He is highly intelligent but lacks in the emotional maturity department. Although, I've witnessed him grow quite a bit in that department in the past few years. I've considered open relationship but my rejection sensitivity would make this impossible. I actually don't want to move in with him. I would be perfectly happy to keep my home and him his and spend time at both places. This also gives him the space he needs to recharge and spend time on his projects while I get quality time with the kids. I think the main reason we aren't together is because he doesn't realize the dept of his feelings and he's convinced he isn't good enough for me 😔. I don't know how to change that.
@versatileSugar2384
It's an interesting situationship. A bit more than friendship but not a relationship. Have you both discussed what happens in the current scenario where you're both just friends with zero commitment, if either or both of you meet people actually wanting to commit? What happens then? Sometimes it takes the thought of losing what you have to realize what it means to you.
@0m I have spoken to him about it. He seems a bit sadden by the thought, but he is so convinced that I deserve better that he's willing to take on that pain 😓. *Note: pain has been the only stability in his life and has sort of became a "comfort" zone. Or at least, something he knows his way around. Also, he recently started seeing a therapist about this after I've asked him too.
@versatileSugar2384
Well done to you! You seem to have a gentle way of supporting his journey to healing. The therapist is a great idea. I hope he is able to overcome the pain soon.
Best wishes to you!
@0m Thanks! I'm grateful that he has listened to me every time I've asked him to consult 🙏. First for anxiety, then ADHD and now Autism and past trauma. He gave me the strength to consult too. I guess I'm just confused whether or not I should keep him so close to me, knowing too well how I'll most likely end up hurt 😓.
@versatileSugar2384,
that is a beautiful story.
Seems the two of you really care for each other and love each other.
Both of you seem to have made great personal progress while supporting each other. Both putting in effort.
Why not cautiously continuing on this road?
Living apart seems a good idea. Some people deeply love each other, stay together yet have to live apart.
I know someone who has had the same partner for 40 years, with a 10 year break.
They deeply love each other yet both have PTSD and simply cannot live together. Yet they will never part.
@dukeofdearham
Not living with him isn't the issue, I'm okay with that. It's the fact that he truly believes that this is purely a friendship. I'm desperately trying to get on board with it. But hearing everyone tell me he loves me and they can't wait for him to realize is, makes it difficult 😔. Some people simply don't believe me when I say we're just friends. It makes me hopeful that he'll realize he loves me as more than a friend at some point 😓. All that, I can handle. It's when he'll find someone 😓. I'll get shattered again. So will the kids. They've asked him many times now to be their step-dad 😅.
I wish I knew what to say or do so he'd come to terms with his true feelings. Or at the very least, stop being so scared of them
@versatileSugar2384,
I guess he knows how you feel and you knows how he feels.
I understand that you are afraid that one day he might leave but you cannot capture people.
Just go with the flow and please, let not fear step in and rule your beautiful relationship . As based on what you shared, you two have a very special unique bond that won't go away just let that.
Base it on love, not on fear.
Don't be like me, acting out of fear.
@dukeofdearham
This man could've easily ran the other way every time I've self sabotaged. But he stayed 🥰. He promised he'd always be there, that he was invested. He does his absolute best to understand what I've gone through and how that may affect me now. He kindly reminds me he's here to stay when I'm struggling. And has done so much growing for the kids and I (his own choice, we accepted the way he was before too). So, it's now my turn seeking help to stop sabotaging and not let fear control me. He's been incredibly supportive about it too. So I hope I can get there soon 🤞.
I hope you find your person worth fighting your fears for 🙏
@versatileSugar2384,
you guys will sort it out, I am sure of that.
I am still grieving the loss of my best friend, my soulmate, the love of my life.
I got in a dark hole, that didn't help. My wife has her own way of dealing with her past, that didn't help either. What ripped me apart was hearing over and over she didn't trust me and hearing she deeply loved me (still does, I am sure of that). I changed, a lot, she knows, wanted to become good friends, even best friends, but I don't see that happening. She has too many unaddressed issues and seeks solace, comfort, warmth with her spiritual friends. I understand. I could never do that, you need to confront your demons sooner or later. With professional help.
Wishing both of you and your kids a marvelous relationship. All the right ingredients are there.
@dukeofdearham
I'm sorry to hear 😔. The past can do many terrible things to a person. Until the person becomes aware and wants to actively change, not much can be done.
I'm sure you'll find your way. Things will get better. ***sending a virtual hug***