Delusional?

I broke up with my ex about an year ago now. We have been in 6 years of relationship and saw most of the ups & down in life. We fought while being together but we used to love each other but due to some unfortunate situation we had to separate and now he is married. I keep him away, I don't talk, I don't express feelings to him but he does because we both clearly didn't get time to move on and suddenly had to jump in with our lives. No time for ourself. Now, there are days that I miss him, I see him in dream and wake up shockingly. I know somewhere I pushed him to make this stupid decision but now I can't reverse and it was good for us. How could just possibly move on. I get anxious, I get restless in few months. 2-3 months I m good but again I start feeling low and upset and I want to express everything to him but I stop myself because now his is married. He tries to talk to me, express his feeling, I understand his anger, his sadness behind that fake smile but can't help. M I living delusional life that I have moved on but not somewhere I still want him back ? 😔