Do you think he love me?
Hello guys ,it's Bella here I'm 34years ,I'm writing this because I need to understand things I failed to understand,I have a boyfriend for 6 years who told me we can't be life partners ,I love him I don't know if he does,when I want to end the relationship he always finds a way to get us back again, he doesn't allow me to work ,he doesn't provide as required as well, let's say month shopping is 200$ he'll want me to call for 2$ everyday, which I don't feel okay because he earns more than 1500$ a month with other floats from a company, even when I need a home item like a cooker of 100$ it's always hard for him to do it , he'll bring excuses that his bank account is in other country (his home) ,he opened an bank account for me pretending to easy shift some amount to my account for bills but the account since opened it's 10 months no single $ kept . I can't explain much because it's too much, we can get a land to buy for 1000$ and build the house ,but he doesn't want that ,we pay 150$each month for rent , buying land was best and simple to reduce rents in future,but he isn't supporting,do you think he is the man who cares me and loves me?
Bella, all the things you are feeling are valid. No one should control you and tell you what you can and cannot do. It is ultimately your choice to break up with him. However, it seems that your boyfriend is rather skilled at manipulation with him not providing and pretending to make changes that he doesn’t follow through on. To some extent, it sounds like he performs a tactic that is called love bombing. Where he might give you just enough hope that he has changed and will be better before pulling back whatever behaviors he changed once he has you hooked again. The added financial power further provides him power as well.
A renowned psychotherapist, Terri Cole, would likely describe your boyfriend as a “boundary destroyer.” What is important for you to do now is to take some time and space to develop and strengthen your belief in your own intuition. Trusting yourself may be very difficult right now with the way your boyfriend has belittled your autonomy, and maybe your perspective and intuition as well. You need to truly believe that this manipulation to control over you is not okay. Meditation can help with this. However, what Terri Cole says in her book Boundary Boss is “Acceptance is key. You will never win with a Boundary Destroyer. Even if you have the best bullet-pointed argument in the world, the Boundary Destroyer is not going to acknowledge your truth. Convincing them of your perspective is a thankless, energy-zapping task. Once you're clear on that, do what you must to save the only life you can save- your own.”
The ideal option for an abusive partner is leaving and going no contact. However, if one or neither of those is not possible for one reason or another there is the Gray Rock method, which is basically to make you a less interesting target for them by becoming bland and unreactive to them. If your boyfriend is dangerous, you should really seek professional help in navigating the situation. If you can leave and go no contact, what you need to do is come up with an action plan to get out and when. It might be helpful to come up with this plan with people you know you can trust and can help put it into action. This might be leaving and taking all your belongings with you whenever your boyfriend is away for a period of time that is suitable to execute your plan (e.g., out at work or on a business trip).