Dynamics evolving

I’ve grown accustomed to the way things have always been in my relationship. There was nothing wrong with it per se, but maybe we both have faults to what we bring to the table, we could improve, no, I could improve. I’ve always had a force field around myself, I taught myself to trust no one, not even the ones close to you and I believe this stems from my mother abandoning me at a young age.

Let’s just say I had a mental breakthrough, or breakdown. I felt like I let my force field down, like I could stop putting up a front or wearing a mask. I always want to appear calm and in control from the outside, emitting a fearless energy but recently I feel an emotional storm on the inside. I released many tears these past couple weeks.

I realized I needed something more from my partner, like reassurance they’ll never leave me( again the abandonment speaking) or constantly asking them if they love me, even though I know they do but the dark side of me says “they’re all lying”, or something along those lines. Anyways, the way I have been acting lately comes off as “needy” to my partner. I take that as an insult but I do acknowledge her feelings are valid. She’s not used to seeing this more vulnerable and emotional side of me. I know I haven’t always been the best partner and I just want so bad to become a better partner and just human being in general.

I don’t know guys, I’m just trying to get it out. I don’t know if anything I said made sense to anyone. I don’t know if anyone can relate but it’s out there now.

We are one, just many experiencing itself