Fearful avoidant
Hi everyone a big thanks in advance.
Does this sound like fear/avoidance rather than lack of feelings? What typically causes the “initiate then freeze” after a normal question? What kind of contact feels safest to you in a high-consequence situation (family pressure/ex drama), and what would you need to move from tethering to real conversation/repair?
I’ve been in a long, intense connection with a guy who lives in a different country for almost a year. Early on, I expressed feelings I had no idea he was with someone and he initially rejected/withdrew, and after me pulling away obviously he then kept watching and circling and when it got intense he later blocked/unfollowed me after I sent an emotional message. However, he never disconnected me on LI and that has become our main “tether.” We often spend long hours online at the same time in silence (our version of closeness), and he historically reacts to my absences (circling/checking in) and I react to his.
He was in a relationship during much of this silence. The breakup became messy and drawn out, with lots of social media signalling. His mother became very involved with not so very nice posts which felt aimed at me. His ex was also reactive/manipulative online and even used family accounts for proxy monitoring. Recently, the ex unfollowed him; he later unfollowed the ex’s mum; he also did mass unfollows and started a new job. His mother then went unusually quiet and even turned off comments on her *** profile/cover images, suggesting things moved behind the scenes.
After the job change, he briefly restarted a chat and I replied happily but nothing pressured as I’m now cautious. If I say anything emotional I get blocked and if I keep it polite it’s not real. After that, he went silent again and didn’t reply for days, while still being active on LinkedIn at odd hours (e.g., 3am). This push-pull cycle (initiate → withdraw/ghost → reappear) repeats.
My experience: I feel deeply bonded and would welcome him, but his inconsistency/bolting makes me feel rejected and unsafe and unwanted, I’m heartbroken. I’m trying to stay warm and non-pressuring, but every time things feel steadier, he withdraws again. I want to understand if this pattern fits fearful/dismissive avoidance (attachment + fear + consequence) and how to protect myself. I’ve never played games or chased I’ve only ever felt bonded to him purely from my heart.
@imaginativeMap741
Honesty, you deserve so much better.
It's not that he is avoidant, he is being downright rude and immature.
You deserve someone who gives you the sane energy back.
Who doesn't dismiss you when it suits and come back like nothing ever happened.
Your feelings are valid.
I personally would block him and allow healing to set in and in time you'll find someone deserving of your time, bit it's not him 🩵
