Feeling tired about my relationship

Well it all started when i met this girl a year ago online. We were just friends but clicked pretty fast. At first i thought i was just not used to seeing a girl like her but the more i spent time with her the more i started to feel things for her, we got together on august and established some boundaries since she's half of the world away so i let her know she's free to be with someone as long she lets me know. Now before we got together, she kind of dated this other girl but complained about how she could only give her body but not her mind. I was ofc not happy to hear that she was struggling. But after she decided to move on, her ex who disappeared 3 months came back to ask her out but she refused after i confessed to her that i liked her. Now i let her have both ex's to be her friends (i trust her) i did my best to give her everything (be romantic, supportive and all of that) i remembered the times she would complemented of how i was the first one to do the nice things for her (sang her a song, befriend her friends) there were ofc times where i was down and i had to go isolate. This caused strain between us and I accepted every punishment regarding us even when she broke up for a couple days because she felt numb. Though she came around rather quickly and i was relieved to have her back.

However, when i was feeling numb the next time she started asking whether i was seeing someone else and i knew something was up (note that i haven't spend my time with anyone else the past few months and had been needing to be social) i always made sure that people know i was with her and that i loved her. I decided to give her all of the thing i had and broke up with her because i felt overwhelmed and caught offguard when she kept asking me why i was like this. I told her i was feeling down and i couldn't cope like she does. (I prefer being alone when im depressed and contemplating, done this my whole life) and when we got back together it didn't take long for her to become numb again, doubting me and my intentions. I never loved someone so much like her, never did the things to bend over backwards just to make sure she's happy. She said that I made her an option when i left. I was still baffled to this day that she thinks she was just an option, in my eyes she was the one that could ruin me and rip me apart. I slowly realize one thing in the span of a year. She stayed with her friend (who got jealous over our relationship at first because she liked my gf.) What's baffling to me is that when i had a fight with her friend i told her that she doesnt have to choose anyone over anyone and that she could still befriend her. I made sure to reassure her that everything will be fine and this was before she decided to take a break in our relationship. At first i was okay and i told her ill continue to act sweet to her but i realized how wrong i was. She was saying to me that she felt like i was leading her on for letting me be sweet and in love with her when she's numb. Within days i feel like my ability to give her the love she wanted fade and i noticed how she was spending more time with her best friend that i know very much dislike but still try to tolerate. A part of me is absolutely hating this relationship because i feel trapped knowing that im always the one seemingly to make mistakes when she had been very insecure over us (she has gotten mad over me saying the smallest thing like "im settling for a girl like her" the context was different for me as i was joking around and we got through that and she was okay with me)

Nowadays, i see her being on the phone with her bsf but she would barely spend time with me. I would understand if she was trying to give me the same treatment but i still called her baby and all of that. I still showed how much i loved her and i never got mad at her like i have been now. It always feel like her emotions matter more and when i decided to take time for myself and not string her along by being in a relationship with her, she wasn't happy about it. As much as i wanted to confront her, i feel like crap and i loved her too much to do anything about it even though it's really hurting me deep inside. I used to be able to walk away but she's the only one i keep coming back to and trying again. I feel as though she should've just broken up with me and let me live my life instead of keeping me in the relationship but won't give me back the love i needed. I don't know whether this is a healthy relationship anymore it seems as though she was codependent on me and when i tried to make sure we are our own people (not getting our identities mixed) she did this to me and im now codependent because i didn't stay off from her. I don't want to hurt her but that's half of what i want to do because i feel betrayed and unable to be free as i don't want to be walking on eggshells around her nor create another problem just for her to doubt me even more. Sometimes i feel like she has more control over the relationship instead of it being equal. And i still haven't leave her because i didnt want her to end up with one of her exes, id rather she find someone better. I feel like have given her everything but she doesn't seem to think i did and criticize me for having to bend over backwards for her when i just want to love her.