Going through a breakup

He was my world. He meant a lot to me. That doesnt seem to be the case for him. Our relationship is avoidant and anxious attachment style with him being the avoidant.

For the past 1 year, I was struck in this loop where when a problem or a fight occurs, he runs away, distance himself, asks for a breakup. This was the pattern.

But when he is happy and being himself, he used to tell me not to trust the words that come out of his mouth when he is angry and upset. So I believed it. He asked for breakup more than 4 to 5 times last year and it felt like *** to me. But off course I didnt accept and told him that when he is back to his normal mood, he wont ask for the same again. And it happened again. He came back to normal and apologised for asking to breakup. This loop has been happening for more than 1year.

So I was so confused. I didnt know which of his characters to believe. One which loved me so much and cared for me or the one which only wanted break up and would tell all the most meanest things ever just so he can get a break up.

I was a mess struck in the loop and finally yesterday he asked for a breakup. I thought it was one of his episodes because just 2days before we were the happiest couple. We had a very minor fight but it tured into this. I told him the same, that, you'll be back to normal.

But he told this time that he is normal. He really wanted the breakup. He didnt want to be bound to responsibilities. He wants to be free. He told me stayed only becausehe felt blackmailed by me which is not true. I was hurt and vulnerable all those time when he asked for a break up. I just showed him my pain and my vulnerable side. I never in my life would have thought he would feel blackmailed by my emotions. He said he stayed because he thought I might die if he left.

Andso this time the breakup is real. He was making sarcastic commands like telling he is finally free from this relationship.

He told as if I tortured him which I didnt. Due to his avoidant tendencies I didnt even ask for bare minimum from him. We spoke like 10min per day and met once every 2 months. Thats it. I agreed to this arrangement because he told me he doesn't want to talk and waste his time. I agreed to everything. I changed myself for him.

But idk where it went wrong. Even after all this, he felt he was being pressured it seems. So I let him go. I accepted the break up. I still love him. I dont think I can ever move on from him.

Ive been crying since then. I haven't slept or eaten anything. I dont have friends except him. Now I cant speak to him as well. I live alone too. It feels so lonely. All those memories keeps coming back to me and it pains a lot. I just want all of this to go away. I keep blaming myself for what might have happened if I've acted differently. I dont know what to do anymore.