HELP ME RESOLVE THESE 30 YEAR + FAMILY ISSUES!
Hello,
My issues may be similar to others - but at the same time different - and I'm at the point where I NEED HELP!
Brief background (as brief as I can make it). I am a biological "only" child. However, I have a "sister" (i.e., cousin) that my parents basically raised on and off during childhood, and at her age of around 17 she came to live with my parents permanently (I was already married and out of the home). This "sister" has always had her parents - but MY parents always primarily influenced her and cared for her per se.
She lived "rent free" at my parents home for 20+ years and had two children during that time (is and remains 'single' - which my parents of course assisted in caring for and raising as well. She moved out a few years ago and purchased a home (mostly due to the fact that she was able to save all her money by living with my parents.)
Right down to the WILL things are "50/50" between us - which I'm not entirely opposed to but I began living with my parents in my 50s due to the fact of a sick elderly parent who has since passed, but I continue living there to help my other parent.
I am upset quite a bit because my parent will throw in my face that "I do not pay rent ..." when I bring up that my cousin spent 20+ years NOT paying rent - I get scolded vehemently. It has caused a lot of resentment that is neither healthy or productive. I note that I buy groceries, help my parent with all her finances, cook, pay our internet and cable bill - keeping in mind my other obligations at my home where my husband lives (we are separated but not divorced) and I am still obliged to pay 1/2 the property taxes on our home. Further adding - my parent does not need any financial support that would come from me paying rent as she is quite financially stable.
Am I wrong to feel that I'm being mistreated? I work hard and I play hard. I take vacations alone each year that I work for and even that seems to be creating friction (jealousy??). I feel that this cousin is purposely trying to drive a wedge between myself and my parent in order to in some way have me "written out" of the will or in the very least "take control" over everything because currently I am in control as my parent is elderly.
Sorry - just throwing a lot of thoughts out there and I need help. Thank you!
@turquoiseBeechwood6058
You are absolutely not wrong to feel the way you do. It sounds like you've spent years giving, sacrificing, and supporting your parent in ways that go beyond financial contributions and yet, instead of appreciation, you’re met with criticism and comparison. That’s incredibly frustrating and unfair, especially when the situation was very different for your cousin.
It makes sense that you feel resentment, not just because of the "rent" comments, but because it feels like your history, efforts, and sacrifices are being dismissed. You're not asking for special treatment you just want fairness and acknowledgment for what you bring to the table. Instead, it feels like you're constantly being undervalued while your cousin, who had decades of financial advantages under your parents’ roof, gets a free pass.
And on top of that, the tension over the will and your cousin’s influence must make things even harder. It’s understandable that you’re worried she might be trying to manipulate the situation to push you out. You’ve been the one physically there, doing the work, making sure your parent is okay, and yet, it feels like your position is being questioned or undermined. That’s a lot to carry, and it’s completely reasonable to feel hurt and frustrated.
I hope you know that your worth is not determined by their treatment of you. You are doing what a good, loving, responsible child does caring for a parent in their later years. That’s an invaluable contribution, no matter what anyone says. And you’re also allowed to take care of yourself taking vacations, living your life, and having boundaries doesn’t make you selfish.
At some point, you might need to decide how much of this battle is worth fighting. You’re already doing so much if the dynamic with your parent is wearing you down and affecting your well-being, maybe stepping back emotionally (even while still helping) could protect your peace.
You are not alone in this, and you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. Your feelings matter. You matter. I hope you give yourself permission to stand firm in that.