He cheated while I was battling postnatal depression- I still love him but it’s been a year and I’m still falling apart

Disclaimer:

Hi. I’m new here and really nervous to post, but I’m at a breaking point….

This is a heavy post. I’m sharing because I need somewhere to let it out. Please don’t feel pressured to read or respond unless you have the space. I really appreciate anyone who listens.

I’m 21. I became a mother at 19, and while I love my daughter more than anything in the world, the journey has been incredibly difficult. I had postnatal depression, and breastfeeding didn’t work out how I’d hoped, so I spent 9 months pumping round the clock - mentally drained, physically exhausted and completely overwhelmed.

While I was going through all that, my partner - the father of my child - was cheating on me. Not just once. Not a mistake. Multiple times over the course of the summer. It shattered something in me that i haven't been able to repair.

He says he wants to fix things. He says he wants to be with me forever. But I’m still carrying all the pain. I’ve asked him to get help for what I believe is undiagnosed PTSD from his time in the forces, and while he’s very recently taken some small steps ( like signing up for 7 cups himself), it’s not enough. His words and actions still don’t match. I feel invisible when I’m hurting most.

He’s the first person I’ve ever directly asked for help- actually said the words “I need you” and “I really need help right now” - and that was such a huge thing for me because I’ve always found it incredibly hard to open up or rely on anyone. And yet, when I finally did, I was met with silence and distance. That’s been one of the most painful parts - especially since it was his actions that kept me in this dark place to begin with. I’m the one reaching out, trying to fix what he broke, and it feels so deeply unfair….

I’m also neurodivergent - ADHD and ASD - which adds so much internal noise. I have this cursed mix of intense self-awareness and constant dissociation. I can name every trauma response, every emotional pattern, every reason why I’m struggling…. And yet I still feel like I’m watching my life happen from a distance. I don’t feel in it anymore….

My body image has taken a massive hit. I know why it’s happening - neglect, stress and being constantly emotionally unsupported- but it still hurts. Especially because when we first met, I was becoming the most confident I’d ever been. He was by my side during that growth and now it’s descended into this. I was there and available all last summer, I’d make the effort to come onto him and get rejected (I was respectful and despite my needs appreciated that he wasn’t in the mood or feeling depressed, I never pressured) however as soon as I went to bed he’d be up half the night getting off to other women…

Despite everything, I still love him deeply. But something has and is shifting. I don’t remember the last time I felt butterflies. It feels like my hearts gone into survival mode, trying to protect itself. And I’m terrified we’re so close to the end now.

I just want him to love me the way he used to - to show it, not just say it. To give me safety, presence and real care again. We could be happy if that happened… instead of just living between fleeting moments of peace between cycles of pain.

I have a daughter who needs me to be okay. And I want to be so desperately. But I don’t think I can get better as things have hardly changed. I feel like I’m stuck. And I don’t know how much more I can take.

There’s so much more I could say and I don’t know if this even encapsulates my situation but it’s the best I can do right now… If you’ve been through anything like this, I’d be really grateful to hear how you made it through. Or even just that you understand.

Thank you so much for reading <3