Hostility Because I’m a Man (Long Post Warning)

My mother is a wonderful person and has taught me so much on how to treat a woman with kindness. So I feel saddened for how women have been treated in history. For abuse survivors your feelings are valid. But I always thought that no matter what the situation I have been set up for disappointment and I have a hard time in a world that is hostile to me, likely because I’m a straight male. This has worsened because I grew up in a small town and now live in a large city.

I have finally accepted that singleness is good and encourages self-growth. But I want to address my fear of intimacy I’ve had all of my adult life due to women who see me as a threat because I’m a male. The bad thing is it’s mainly people close to my age of nearly 31 and younger who act this way. I got disillusioned with dating apps since I view meeting new people as a big unknown. I’m fearful of the single women who are left because I don’t get to know things like sexual orientation or invisible conditions right away (STDs, mental health, etc), and I’ve been lied to about other things on dating apps, like current cities. To be clear some of the greatest recent contributions I appreciate have been from people like Elton John, Michael Stipe of REM, and Brandy Carlisle. I just simply prefer dating people who are straight.

I’m done being vulnerable by asking a woman out when the signs aren’t ever accurate so I can follow advice over breaking out of my comfort zone. Things like dating, marriage and kids are usually done at the woman’s expense anyway and they probably never fully consented. It’s all about blindly pleasing others. Most single woman I’ve met is itching to have kids but I would never be happy again if I passed my medical conditions or undesirable traits to my children. I can’t even imagine having kids after seeing Rob Reiner and his wife perish like they did.

I also don’t want to be a news story because I got slaughtered by a jealous ex. For the first time 6 years ago, my parents told me they have ex-spouses because they followed societal pressure to hook up. No wonder they weren’t able to marry until their early 30s. I was about to give into the same pressure by following a previous doctor’s advice for dating apps, which led to my first and only relationship that ended with my GF insulting me.

I get criticized for every single standard I set from all sides. That includes my strong yet inconsistent views against swearing, political views that don’t fit neatly into a party, and the fact that I’m religious but I have had at least one bad experience with religious groups, largely because of double standards over sexuality. I have to waffle from one extreme to the next to please someone. All of the preferences I stated earlier that are more important are ridiculed also. I hate people’s bad moods and being blamed for them with a passion. But I’m a bad person because I can’t tolerate them without questioning. I’m an arrogant pig because I like conventionally beautiful women, and always have been told things like this from people I know or the media. I’ve worried about objectification this whole time because of this. I’ve been criticized only once of objectification but that was a different online forum and I was really asking the basics and comparing that to my behavior even I don’t expose myself to many people anyway. So that ended ugly.

I’m not allowed to have feelings in any setting really. People can be emotional and opinionated but never allow me to express even healthy emotions or perspectives. When something goes wrong, I usually blame myself for being unhappy over unmet needs, anxiousness, close-minded, etc. Loved ones and some sites I’ve seen say these things too

Women on dating apps have moved too fast with me and others treat me like dirt. Nice guys finish last because I have tried as hard as I can to be warm to men and women but always got told that “we should be friends” in high school.

I only see male therapists. My first woman therapist was too old fashioned and unprofessional and I was her only male client. I was really self-conscious about my men issues and emotions typical for males. The other female therapist reminded me of my aunt, so I wasn’t appropriate with her all the time over things like hugs vs handshakes. I will not see my current woman-owned treatment group’s therapist despite my dad asking several times after I said no and I’ve done good with my current counselor. Even farther back when I was a junior in college 10 years ago and showed early signs of depression, I asked a peer who I was attracted to if I had a good appearance and smelled ok after I neglected these things for a few days. When I told her later on about intrusive thoughts I had because of academic pressure, she or someone else nearby reported me to a counseling service and to a counselor that was judgmental. So don’t speak about any problems to someone of another gender.

I’m particularly upset right now over because of my work situation. I got reported to HR because of a few compliments to a woman 3 years ago. I stopped complimenting women in my life for anything (beauty, talent, etc) afterwards until relatively recently. This week my boss has gone from praising me for simply existing to being spiteful because I’ve expressed exasperation over loud talking from coworkers. But both of these people are coupled up anyway. I fear every new coworker, especially women, because of what happened 3 years ago. My gender and lifestyle are not tolerated but I’m forced to tolerate others.

I won’t meet new friends, men or women, of any kind unless I have my mental health and digestive condition resolved. I resent people who previously gave me annoying recommendations for social groups because of a pressure to be perfect and conform to narrow standards of acquaintances anyway. But if I follow that advice, I will have to deal with a pressure to hook up while also living in a world that hates me for who I am, even my gender, preferences and traditional background. Even if I attract someone, it’s almost never someone who is more sensible, practical, or gives a good impression with others like my mother or the spouses of my two guy friends. My only girlfriend took physical aspects of love way too seriously on the first date and stayed that way. She was also traumatized by an early divorce of her parents and a dog bite that led her to disliking dogs. All the good women are gone like the production of the Model T anyway. I don’t look at my social media accounts anymore and hate meeting new people because I get punished by happy couples for things out of my control and waiting for my career and life to take off.

Thanks to 7Cups, I finally have courage to push back on my long-standing fear of being unlovable, even a bully over women. How can I cope with all of these things being against me? Does the world hate me? What about the fact that I never get what I want from a woman (assistance with work, mental health, etc) or share my positive qualities with them even if it’s totally not for dating?