Idk if this is right or not
I'm dating him from more than 2 years and he didn't end his relationship with his ex on a good note 2 months ago. They were fighting and were sometimes only on talking terms while he was dating me but they were still talking as they known each other for a very long time. He asked me for understanding their situation and asked for support which I gave. But now that they are not talking from last two months, he is missing her a lot. I don't know what to do. I tried to understand his on and off with his ex and now I have to understand his moving on or missing his ex phase? He loves me I know that but this situation is making me uncomfortable. I feel like an outsider in my own relationship. I asked for a break but I'm missing him now. I'm being selfish and not a good partner so I'm feeling guilty too.
@proactiveYard2249
I think the first question here might be: do your partner and his ex have had kids together? If the answer is "yes", they are doomed to contact each other from time to time, no matter what other circumstances are. But if the answer is "no", there must be some other connection between them, and you might have been entangled in a relationship of not two, but three persons.
Apparently the man feels like split in two: One part of him being attracted to the new quality of relationship, which has been missing and you gave it to him. The other part clinging to something (someone) familiar. And it seems there are no winners here...
What would you think about rephrasing some questions you are asking to yourself right now:
Was your coming into a relationship with a guy who has been still attached to someone else the act of selfishness, or of self-harm?
Is your idea to finish this relationship now (as far as I can understand it) an example of selfishness, or of self-respect or self-care?
I i know what you are saying but it's tough to not talk and see him.
We live very close so we are bound to see each other often and that makes it difficult.
I have attachment to his family too. I feel incomplete if I don't meet them.
He is a great partner and no, he was not married to his ex.
I told him that you can't jump from one serious relationship to another and you need to process this situation.
Then we can see if we want this or not.
Again, I'm feeling guilty of leaving him alone in this situation.
@proactiveYard2249
I believe you are not leaving him alone with the problem. I believe he is adult and should solve the problem he created himself (being in two relationships at the same time), just be a man and make a choice - and take responsibility.
@jacek73
I have left him with his problem but I do visit his home often to meet the pet we raised together.
I don't know what should I do, I'm feeling incomplete. I miss him tbh.
I'm frustrated too about the situation but not talking and seeing him daily.. not being able to touch him and give love is killing me from inside.
I'm not used to not living with him.
Everyday seems longer and it hurts that it's passing and we are not together.
I'm very angry with him for not wanting to talk to me and I cannot make him.
But it makes me wonder, if that was my value in his life?
@proactiveYard2249,
if he is missing her then you've your answer.
He is not ready for relationships, needs to grow up first. He doesn't love you else he would be committed, not in words but in actions.
This is going nowhere, you deserve true love, not a boy who cannot commit.
@dukeofdearham
i agree and I felt the same.
But what should I do with what I feel.
I have so much love but I'm not able to give him. He sees me everyday but passes by like I'm invisible.
I wanted things to change once he cuts off with his ex but things are still same even worse.
@proactiveYard2249
From my experience, the thing which kills our relationships in the end is often the fact that we make some too hopeful assumptions at the beginning.
Several years ago I met someone who wanted to be one of the leaders and "lawmakers" of one the 12 Steps communities nation-wide. I knew that from the beginning, but I desperately hoped her priorities change when we are together - from her desire to be a "star" to some desire of being with me. But it never happened. I remained invisible, and no talk, no couple therapy helped. A year of my life was lost. But not completely gone. There were some good things I still remember. There was some experiencing of what I need the most and what I need to avoid. However, with the years passing by I see that agreeing to end this relationship was one of the best decisions of my life.
@jacek73
Don't we make positive assumptions because they make us believe that it will happen someday?
I was said that things will get better and he'll heal but as time pass by when I look back..I def had good times and I can't trade them with anything but there were moments where no matter what you do things are just not in your hand and at the end you have to just accept it to be with that person but my chest hurts in those moments. I feel miserable and hurt. But again, people say that is how relationships are. It will hurt you over and over and you can either accept it or leave it. But it's leaving an another word of giving up?
@proactiveYard2249
Most successful relationships have their ups and downs, but they consist of two partners, not three. Doesn't it make a difference?
@jacek73
You're right, why does it happen with me?
I always give my all and still I never feel like I'm the priority to that person. Is it so easy to not love me? I care about him, I listen to him, I even started cooking for him. But if all of my efforts are nothing then why it has to happen? I have started to not believe in love now. No matter what you do, if the other person doesn't wanna see it..then he'll never see it. But why make the other person believe that you care about her feelings when you don't?
I try to keep myself happy whole day but as soon as I lie in my bed at night, i feel cold.
@proactiveYard2249
I think it might be not about you, but about him.
One of the extremes would be "something is wrong with you" - and I would definitely reject such an explanation.
The opposite is "he deliberately used you" - but I guess that is not true as well.
I believe the answer might be somewhere in between:
Bad luck?
His decision to leave his ex being premature or ill-considered?
His attitude to his ex based on guilt?
His hoping that he could easily forgive his ex when he meets someone new (you)? - what seems like a wishful thinking and naive...
I don't know why, but some people return to their previous partners (never happened to me). Maybe because they think they "deserve someone better", but soon they realize they do not?
I believe nothing is wrong with you - just the opposite - it looks like you are the right person for a happy relationship. But your partner failed to see you.
And I think it's OK to hesitate about believing in love after a disappointment.
@jacek73
I couldn't stop today, I have to go out of town for a month and I couldn't stop myself from not seeing him before I go so I met him.
And he started blaming me for taking a break and that was what I wanted so he is giving me that.
It didn't feel like he missed me at all.
He said I don't know much he loves me and I replied why can't I feel it?
He said what not but not that he wants me back.
I couldn't control and a tear dropped but my heart is heavy that even after all these days he didn't look happy to see me.
I told him everything what I felt and what I was feeling about his ex and the situation and he said he is ready to start afresh but does it work like this?
If I believe in what he says, will things change or will I be making a fool of myself again?
I am thinking of asking for sometime, I can't unsee him but I can't be with him as well.
I think you are right, it is bad luck I guess.
Things would have been different if timings would have been different.
@proactiveYard2249
He is ready to start afresh and is going to still tell you how he misses his ex? Come on...
I am sorry, but I believe no psychological books can replace common sense and the basics of self-respect and emotional self-survival...
It's your life and your decision. If you choose to come back to him - it's your choice. But hearing your description of the situation I feel like an angry woman was being awakened in me.
Getting some distance to think it over from far away sounds like a smart idea 👍
@jacek73
Yup, we haven't talked since that day. I came back home after a week and in that period of time he didn't call or text. I came his home to meet his family and the pet and still he didn't see me. He passed right by me. Nothing...
Is this how it is? After everything... I'm being treated this way like I'm no one. His family sees that, my family sees that.
Idk what I should do now.
He'll say that you wanted me to take time and stay away from you.
Yes, I did.
I had to because not because I wanted to.
Where is my partner when I need someone to talk about?
I know it's frustrating to just read about my situation but I'm living it and I can't get frustrated coz I asked for it.
Sorry to say but he doesn't love you
@intuitiveClementine8108
Why do you say that?
