I don’t know how to trust him
A brief backstory.
my husbands grandma was everything, she raised him from birth and lived with him until she passed. When she passed it was like he died too. The next year we had our second child. 6 months later I find he’s been talking to other women. 3 months after that I get a message from one of the women asking if my husband and I are still together, basically wanting to know why he’d ghosted her the day before. And now two weeks ago, I go to crawl into our bed beside him and see yet another woman’s name on his phone.
I’m incredibly trusting and forgiving and I love this man, but his depression and lack of wanting help for it, is going to destroy our family.
If someone wants to vent with me or just talk about how much standing at a crossroads like this sucks, I’d appreciate it.
Advice would be welcome too.
@Kohay39
That is so much to carry, and I’m really sorry you’re going through it. Standing at a crossroads like this where love, betrayal, grief, and mental health all collide is absolutely gut-wrenching. You’re doing everything you can to hold your family together, and yet, it feels like he’s slipping further away, making choices that hurt you in ways he may not even fully grasp.
I can feel how much you love him, how much you want to believe that this is something you can work through. But love alone shouldn’t mean sacrificing your peace, your dignity, or your emotional well-being. You deserve to be loved with the same trust and loyalty that you give so freely.
It sounds like he’s drowning in his grief and depression, but instead of reaching for your hand, he’s turning away. That’s not something you can fix for him. He has to want to heal. He has to want to be better, not just for you or the kids, but for himself. And right now, he’s making choices that are breaking your heart over and over again.
You don’t have to decide everything today, and you don’t have to carry this alone. But I hope you take a moment to ask yourself what would you tell your best friend if she were in your shoes? What would you want your children to see as an example of love and self-worth?
You’re not wrong for still loving him. You’re not wrong for wanting to hold on. And you wouldn’t be wrong if you decided you couldn’t do this anymore. Whatever you choose, just know you’re not alone. You deserve love that doesn’t make you question your worth. And whatever happens next, I hope you find a way to hold onto yourself in the process.
You hit the nail on the head with everything you said. Thank you, I needed someone to just get it.
@Kohay39
Glad to know
@16peacefulBraveheart01 this is great advice, thanks
@Kohay39
I am sorry, but I cannot see any strict connection between your husband's grandma sadly having passed away and him trying to date other women.
Death of a loved one is a hard experience and people might get depressed and use various things to ease the pain. But this way of coping with the grief seems a little bit weird to me...
Also, it may look as if he was not trying too much to hide it from you...
Are you sure it's all about your husband's grandma? Or has something changed between the two of you since you have become parents? Are you sure it isn't about the current state of your relationship?
Of course there are other things at play, but his inability to communicate anything at all and his instinct to clam up over anything hard is why I chalk it all up to depression. He doesn’t know what to do with big emotions so he holds them. All of that, the communication issues, then talking to other women, all happened after her death. We’ve never been perfect, we’d argue and make up and that was that, but now if it’s not a light hearted convo, it won’t happen without a fight.
I’m not saying her death is 100% of the cause, there are other things happening in our lives. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders for a million different reasons, her death just added to it.
@Kohay39
Excuse me, I am a man, so this kind of relationship conflict I tend to see a little bit from a male experience or perspective. Nevertheless, it sounds as if you were making too many excuses for your husband's behaviour.
Some people do not believe in therapies and do not communicate "as the psychology books say". But I believe it's a matter of their beliefs and emotional intelligence - not depression. They are not any "worse kind" because of that, but they are still responsible for respecting other people's boundaries and emotions.
The fact seems to be the harm is done - by losing your intimacy, trust and exclusiveness in romantic communication between you two. And the problem is: how to go further?
@Kohay39 i hope youre able to find a solution and find peace. If you wanna talk to someone else going through same experience, im here
