I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel helpless. I don't want anyone to go through this either cause honestly it sucks.
I dated this man for 7 years online (it was always on and off) cause he couldn't commit or be stable. He's been dealing with depression and trauma for years and I recently had told him to get some therapy so that he can get some relief.
We usually broke up but we'd get back together in like 1 month. Now, it's been over 5 months and he's lost feelings for me, here's why.
Around December 2022 to January 2023, I started losing feelings for him because i was not sure what we were. He said he can't give me any guarantee if we'd get married. He wasn't even stable to stay committed. So I told him to get some therapy and live life. He did that and his therapist helped him move on but that's when I gained my feelings for him again.
He told me how he's moved on and he doesn't have any feelings for me. We're currently best friends. His therapist told him not to communicate with me for awhile since we've had a toxic history and he needs to forget that in order to be able to be the closest friends so he just updates me about his life here and there.
he told me how he can catch feelings for anyone at any time and find anyone attractive. It could be one of his close friends, or anyone from his University or it could even be me. He tells me how he doesn't want to lose me at all. He told me that even if he finds another woman, he wouldn't want to lose me as a friend. But I can't see him with another girl. It'll destroy me but I told him that I won't leave his side. He told me how he's coming to meet me next year. And if he's single by then, he may or may not fall in love with me. I'm just not sure what to do. I can't leave him.
I've been in a situation like this before about a couple of times where he'd dated other women but I was always there as a friend. When he lost his best friend to an accident, the girl he was dating at the time wasn't even there to make him feel better. Instead, I was there when while I was hurting. I've never left his side. Because I know beyond all that he does, he has a big heart.
When I'd gotten my surgery at 13, he was the first one I met online who was so caring, still is. He made sure I felt safe and secure, he helped me get rid of my insecurities, never pushed me to do something I never liked and he doesn't. He's a great man. I just wish he found me attractive again. I wish he loves me again. He did tell me that if he ever catches feelings for me, then it'll be new and he'll never leave cause he'd be stable and ready to commit. But it's all uncertain cause he can fall in love with any woman.
idk what to do..
@callmelaylaig
Hello,
It's great to share your feelings and thoughts and let it out of your system.
I want to start by acknowledging that I don't know your entire history.
That said, it seems like you might be considered a backup plan rather than a top priority (Plan A). In a successful relationship, being Plan A is crucial.
And even though you have a history together, it appears that you're being held back from exploring new and potentially better possibilities. Expressions like "If he's single by then, he may or may not fall in love with you" keep you from moving on, while he keeps his options open. Depending on the unpredictability of his feelings can be unsettling, and it forms a barrier that stops you from considering other options.
Remember, people change as time goes by. If your past relationship was negative, it might have hindered personal growth and brought out the worst in both of you.
I can relate to this, as I was once in a long-distance relationship and believed I could never connect with someone in the same way again. However, my current partner truly understands me for who I am ✨now✨. I've come to realize that building a future with my current partner makes me happier because I was ready to move on from the familiarity of the past. People evolve from their teenage years to adulthood, and their needs change. And that's absolutely okay.
You mentioned suggesting therapy for him. Have you considered it for yourself? Talking about these matters can help you understand your relationship needs. This way, you'll also determine if he's the right partner and if it's worth holding onto an uncertain "what if" situation.
At the end of the day, you have to decide what is best for you. You can maintain a friendship with him while also progressing forward.
You're not obligated to wait for someone's affection, nor should you set
aside your emotions and desires to fulfill others' aspirations and
wishes.