I feel like I live on my boyfriend schedule and exist in this home for his needs

Tonight my bf and I were going to make french bread pizza. It's very simple and quick to make. He sprung the plan on me on the way home after he picked me up from work.

He does this often. Springs plans on me when we're on the way home from work. Sometimes it's him offering to include me. Other times it's him basically saying "this is what we're doing", like going to the store or to our friend's house after work.

Which isn't a big deal because I like living spontaneously sometimes and doing things with him. It keeps life fresh. But I would expect that if I, for whatever reason, don't feel like participating, i should be able to say no without any repercussions. Especially if it was expressed as an offer to include me if I was interested.

If I don't want to go in the store with him, for whatever personal reason, he has a lil silent tantrum and is passive aggressive. I've addressed this with him but it turned into a while thing and idk if I actually got through to him.

When something he gets his hopes up fordoesn't go his way, he really let's it get to him. It could be something as small as how well his Starbucks coffee is made. It just ruins his whole mood and day.

And he's aware he is like this and that is not healthy. He hates being this way but doesn't know how to move away from it.

And i totally sympathize and understand that struggle and unhealthy dependency of needing things to be a certain way.. but it's really taking a toll on our relationship.

He says he doesn't want to be that person who makes me feel like i need to be walking on eggshells.. yet he keeps doing it.

And i understand change doesn't happen overnight. I expect there to be hiccups, repeat behavior. Change isn't a straight line.. but it's utterly exhausting when i do all this emotional labor to express and defend myself.. and emotional legwork and set healthy boundaries.. just for him to turn it into this huge thing. He immediately has a tantrum and shuts down instead of having a productive discussion about what's happening.

Everytime i see a hint that it's happening, i immediately feel drained.

I want to be angry but i understand what he's going through.. He says sometimes he feels like he's not important, doesn't matter, no one wants to talk to him or be around him.

I totally get that because i struggled with those feelings while growing up and even now as an adult, though it's not as bad as it was. Except I often feel it nowadays because he spends so much time on his video games. Which would be fine except that he ignores me or cleanly appears bothered when I talk to him.

I understand being engrossed. I don't take that personally. But he is engrossed in the games not long after we get home. And stays engrossed until an hour or two before I need to go to bed.

And the moment he gets off the game.. he expects my attention and he gets pouty and cold towards me if I don't stop being engrossed in whatever I finally got engrossed with.

It hurts even more when he's gaming with his friends or just sitting on *** and it's obvious he doesn't like being interupted by me.

It hurts even more when I ask to do something with him right when we get home, even if it's simply a request to make time for it later. Watch something together. Cook together. Play a board have together. It's 99.9% of the time a no, unless it's basically what he already plans on doing in those 1-2hrs because I have to go to bed.

He reserves those hours for us, which sweet.. but we only do what he wants to do. If he let's me choose something, he's clearly not into it and sometimes will decide to go to bed or get back on the game.

I try to be empathic towards his inner turnoil but the hypocrisy and lack of mindfulness towards me hurts and makes me reasonably feel like I'm not actually important. It makes me these things he does, such as assign those couple hrs at night for us, is really just for him. Focuses on meeting his needs, not mine.

And for him to express that he basically feels neglected, not important, and like no one wants to talk to him.. because we didn't start making french bread pizza when he wanted to because I lost track of time due to being engrossed in my own thing after he got on the computer.. when we've literally been speaking way more lately and having meaningful conversations than ever before.. and I'm constantly thinking about how he feels.. affraid of how he will react to something I do or say.. genuinely ask to do things together..

It makes me feel so unseen and unimportant. Feel like I just exist in the background for his needs when he feels like he needs me..

I took a shower and come out to him upset and shutdown. He didn't want to talk. Then he said he's upset with himself but doesn't want to talk about it. Then he expressed that he feels worthless because I lost 2 hours being engrossed in the other room, unaware of what he was doing or what time he wanted to start cooking.

He was upset that he was so upset and affected by it. He didn't want to feel that way about it..

I was trying to comfort him before he blurted all that out. I tried to appreciate his honesty and self awareness.. but it really hurt to hear it anyways.. because for it to continue affecting him.. for him to know it shouldn't affect him yet he cannot be mindful and reframe his mind.. it means he doesn't respect me enough to give me the same privileges as him. Me time at my whim, not someone else's. It means he's too self engrossed to properly communicate his needs to me or see things from my perspective.