I loved her more than anything

My ex girlfriend and I, I believe, are soulmates. Thinking now, it may be one of the reasons why I’m failing to realise we won’t have another chance.

we met through a mutual friend who, in lockdown, I befriended on ***. It’s weird because I had scrolled passed this girl then came back to it and was like “what’s the worst that can happen” so I decided to befriend her. We had then carried on a friendship through the next 3 years and in the background, she’d always talked about her friend (who I won’t name). As soon as I saw this girl, I knew, like a gut feeling. She is beautiful, truly one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

we’d talk occasionally, but not as much as the girl I befriended. It would be about silly little inside jokes and stuff. Nothing really ever came of it.

until last year. I reached out first, a day after my birthday in school when I was by myself. I remember drawing her a picture of a capybara which made her laugh. And we started talking from there. We’d always tell eachother ‘I can’t believe we met like this’. I believe there was always some sort of invisible string that connects people like this and with us, I believe that started a lifetime ago. I knew this girl like the back of my hand and when we first kissed, I knew exactly what heaven felt like. Everything was perfect. And sweet. And nothing could’ve ever taken away the love that I felt for her.

I don’t know when things started to change, but they did. She asked me to be her girlfriend June last year. And for obvious reasons, I was over the moon about the thought that the woman I was in love with for 3 years finally loved me back. She had never dated a woman before, nor anyone for that matter, so I wanted to show her what love felt like. And I did. I was the first person to treat her properly. She still tells me she’s grateful I did.

she ended things with me in January, 9 days after my birthday. Ever since, well, I guess you can imagine. It feels like my body is rejecting the breakup. I feel nauseous all the time- but I’m putting that down to anxiety. We still speak. There’s no use in not because we are both intertwined too much in eachother to let that happen.

she stated ‘she wasn’t ready for a relationship’. It’s a pretty cliché way of ending things but I get it, we both needed to work on our end of year exams and she needed to focus on working. It’s been almost 7 months since then. It’s our 1 year tomorrow. Everyday feels like the first day after the breakup. I am haunted by someone who is still alive.

im so in love with her I don’t know what to do with myself. I find happiness in things but I can’t fully enjoy them without wanting her to be with me experiencing it with me. I love her more than life itself. Id do anything to prove that if she’d let me. Id give up my whole life for her in a heartbeat. I could’ve loved her harder but I couldn’t of loved her more. Even then, I loved with everything I had within me. Even now, I continue to love because it’s the only thing I’m worth for.

she is my best friend. I’m sorry I want her as a lover.