I miss him, and love him but I can't go back

I miss the goofy antics, the laughs and adventure that we had these past eight years. Wether it be pinball, headed up the mountain, cuddling up with our cat or off to places we had to see, we were in it together. We moved across country twice. My best friend, my husband, who got sucked up into someone I never knew. It all came crumbling down so fast. Sure we had arguments, and moments of tension but we worked through them.

I received a devastating call that my father had stage 4 cancer. I would go on to drive back and forth 4 hours each way to take him for treatment. As no one else could do it. Coming home when I could, it was not enough for him. He claimed I abandoned him. Although I had been communicating with him and made efforts to maintain the relationship. He came to the family home for a few days but made his precense gloom and made it known that he was disenchanted to not have me around 24/7.

Just a month later he attacked me in my sleep, he claims it as that..with history of sleepwalking in his past. I gave patience but we could no longer share a bed at times of sleep.

Then he would dismiss my auto immune disease, in the same breath insulting my father's cancer.

Flash to a month later and he's locked me out of my room with my medical supplies, keys and wallet.

I had no choice but to leave, and cut off communication. As the final attempts were evidence of no reasoning despite my pleas to end things in a civil manner.

I write this so that I will remember. I must remember that even though I forgive, I can't forget and go back. I must love myself enough to accept that this has unfolded beyond a place of health.

I miss him and feel love for him. I accept this truth.