Im overwhelmed

I'm embarrassed writing all of this down, and part of me feels ashamed that I'm even putting it into words. But I need to get it out somewhere because I don't think I'm doing a good job carrying all of this by myself.

A lot of what I'm dealing with started around the same period when I became unemployed because of a car accident. I was already struggling financially and emotionally, and during that same period I found out about multiple instances of cheating in my relationship. Around the same time, I also found out that my partner was pregnant. Because of everything I had already discovered, I became extremely anxious and uncertain about whether the baby was actually mine. That uncertainty was incredibly painful because I wanted to be a father but was also dealing with a massive loss of trust.

The relationship eventually became extremely unhealthy. There was a lot of distrust, resentment, fighting, cheating, manipulation, and emotional hurt. I became increasingly obsessed with what my partner was doing and who I could trust. I know I wasn't innocent either. I had trouble forgiving what happened, reacted badly during arguments, became consumed by resentment, and wasn't always kind or fair. I regret some of the things I did, especially how I behaved during the pregnancy. At the same time, I don't want to pretend that the things that happened to me didn't affect me deeply.

We have a baby daughter together, and she is the most important thing in all of this. We're currently no-contact, and there are now legal and custody issues following an incident that resulted in my former partner being arrested. I also have legal problems of my own, and I'm terrified about how everything could affect my relationship with my daughter.

The hardest part emotionally is that I can't seem to let go. I obsess over what my former partner is doing, who she's talking to, what she's thinking, and whether she's influencing my family. I know I don't actually know everything that's happening, and sometimes I recognize that anxiety and jealousy may be filling in the gaps, but I still feel an overwhelming need to know. I replay things constantly and think about what I should have done differently.

I'm also extremely angry. Sometimes I feel genuine hatred toward my former partner and have thoughts about wanting her to suffer because I feel like she destroyed so much of my life. I've had urges to send extremely cruel messages to her, but I know acting on those feelings could make everything worse. I need help understanding and controlling this anger rather than letting it control me.

I've also been drinking heavily. I've tried AA again, but sometimes I feel emotionally disconnected from it. My drinking, sleep, eating, hygiene, and general self-care have all gotten worse. I've isolated myself and spend a lot of time stuck in my head.

I'm unemployed, financially struggling, and worried about my future. The unemployment has made me feel even more worthless and dependent on other people. I'm almost 40 and sometimes feel like I've completely lost the person I used to be. I worry that I'm no longer someone another person would want to be with and that I've ruined too much of my life to recover.

There are times when the weight of everything feels unbearable. I feel deeply hopeless about where my life is right now and sometimes wonder how I'm supposed to climb out of everything that has happened. I don't feel like myself anymore, and there are days when it is difficult to see a path forward. I don't know how to process all of this, and that's part of why I'm finally trying to talk about it instead of keeping it bottled up.

I also feel guilty because I know I contributed to the dysfunction in the relationship. I don't want someone to simply tell me that everything was the other person's fault. I want to understand what I'm responsible for, what wasn't my responsibility, why I became so emotionally attached to something that was hurting me, and why I have such a difficult time letting go.

I feel like several major things happened at once—losing my job after the accident, discovering the cheating, dealing with the pregnancy and uncertainty about whether the baby was mine, becoming a father, losing trust in my relationship, the eventual breakup, the legal situation, and being separated from my daughter. I don't think I've really had a chance to process any of it individually.

More than anything, I want to become stable again. I want to stop obsessing over my former partner, get control of my drinking and anger, rebuild my life, deal with the legal situation responsibly, repair my relationship with my family if possible, and remain a good father to my daughter.

I'm embarrassed that this is so much to put down in writing, but I think I need someone to help me unpack it instead of continuing to keep everything in my head. I don't expect a listener to solve any of this. I just want somewhere I can be honest about what I'm going through and start making sense of it.