I'm unable to let go of the past
hello I'm fairly certain I have PTSD from my past relationships they were very manipulative and I was deceived intentionally for the past 20 years through two relationships. I am currently in a relationship have been for about 7 months we've known each other for a while and my paranoia and inability to trust is causing extreme difficulties for both of us. I just started therapy last week but an hour a week I don't see being enough to save this relationship looking for any help as fast as I can get it. Thank you all I just found the site and Look forward to getting to know you all
@selfdisciplinedPenny4408 I can completely relate to what you are going through. I cannot give you advice, but I will tell you what I did with my current relationship. It is the only successful relationship I have ever had, and I had a lot. lol
I was completely honest with my current partner. We have been together now for 13 years, and she is absolutely amazing, and being honest with her was very, very hard, but I did it, because any thing less than that, I'd have lost her, anyway. And by honest, I mean I was honest about why I put up with those awful people in the past. I was completley honest about my issues with rage, being medication resistant, all of my flaws, all of my weaknesses, etc. It was really, really hard, because I had to risk rejection, or worse, criticism. Fortunately, it is not in her nature to criticize. She only wants to focus on moving forward. This is key in a successful relationship, I think.
As a result of my transparency and her desire to focus on always moving forward, she chose to help me improve my strength in my areas of weakness (I am no longer a people pleaser and I stand up for myself now! I almost never rage, because I do not give in to others anymore when I do not want to). Also, until I became stronger, she became super transparent. If I asked to see emails or texts, she showed me because she had nothing to hide, and knew my entire history. If she needed to go somewhere without me with another person, and I texted her while she was with that person? She responded immediately (there were a few occasions where her phone was flat and she was willing to prove it). Any time she spent money, she would show me receipts. We talked and still talk, about everything.
It took a good 5 years of this for us to get to a point where I finally knew that I could trust her, and vice versa. This made it where I felt confident in giving up all of the friends that told me she was trouble, and focused on only mutual friends that obviously respected both of us. A hard and fast rule for both of us was: no *** talking behind each others backs to friends or family. You got an issue with me? Do what it takes to work through it with me, without venting to people that cannot change the situation (unless they allow me or her to go live with them lol). Anytime we were too angry to talk, we took a break and did fun things ALONE (painting, gardening, walks in nature, playing with our pets, alone activities like that). Until we were emotionally calm enough to talk. That was also key.
One time, I did leave for 5 months so that she could iron out issues with her family. But, this was after we had been together for more than 10 years, and we used chat apps to talk frequently throughout the day. Any time I had an issue that I could not handle alone, she stepped in and handled it. I was never alone, even though I was traveling alone.
Now, I have to say, she also was not too proud to admit that her character had been questionable in the past, and so she knew that accepting my challenges was worth the investment (I am a great cook, I love to keep things clean, I like to adopt animals, I am very adventurous and spontaneous, I speak 5 languages, and a lot becomes possible with multilingual skills, I brought a lot to the table to make the work worth it). A lot of people in the past behaved like they were better than me and I was just simple trash. I upped my game with skills, and also chose a partner that I felt like was my equal (not perfect, a past full of ridiculous mistakes, family drama, etc lol). I gave up trying to "marry up", if that makes sense. I came to the realization, being with her, that there is no such thing as finding someone better than me to help me, or someone worse that I can help, unless I want to believe that nonsense and get involved in an abusive relationship again. That kind of garbage began in my own mind. I am equal to others, and anyone reflecting back that I am not, gets no attention from me anymore.
The best way I could heal from betrayal was to become the most amazing me that I could, an amazing me that I am happy with, and to become something that I felt strongly that someone would want to invest in, even if it wasn't easy. It was about how I felt about me, not how they felt about me, actually. It really does start with self. 😊 Corny, cliche, but true.
That's my experience, for what it is worth. I wish you healing, strength, love and happiness. You deserve it! Above all: Know that!! 🥰
Thank you very much she does try her best. I wish there were a way I could forward this somehow to her to encourage her and maybe help her as well is that is exactly what I've been doing and exactly what here with my last episode over the weekend I told her I'd I need it just couldn't see going through this and making improvements on it without her help and of course she did agree but it's a really big stretch for Hershey's never been exposed to anything like this she was married for 22 years and other than that I think it's probably the only other long-term serious relationship and she's had
post to continue on my path
and again apparently
the really crazy part of it all is we dated for a few months and it didn't work out we both had a lot going on that time and quite frankly she was unable to deal with it and broke up we remain friends and over the years about 3 years we knew each other we came to know each other outside of a relationship she had multiple opportunities to take advantage and never did my occasionally helped her out financially but only very occasionally she never asked for anything I have no fear of her cheating that's not her style nor is to financially take advantage that was her style she would have got back in the relationship when I found my new career and she didn't and I'm over the road truck driver lol so that gives a person perfect opportunity to just to see me on the weekends and do whatever they want during the week and she didn't jump on that opportunity so I don't believe that she's a that type of person. All that being said I still have that weird feeling you know like things don't add up here or there I think it's primarily because I go looking for them and you will always find what you look for. I was just told that it's been all likelihood BTSD a few days ago so I'm really excited about that. ee have had a talk since then and I told her all I need is to be able to ask a question and her not be insulted by it and to answer and the episode will be over. is that too much? I mean seriously can be a lot , can be intrusive, can be some very personal questions and probably not my business.
@selfdisciplinedPenny4408 About a decade and a half ago, I was friends with a truck driver and I was able to go on a really fun road trip with him and his wife. That was a fun memory, so thank you for sharing that you drive a truck! 😀
Well, some people are triggered by being asked to share private information, and feeling like they are being checked up on or having to prove that they are good people. There can be a lot of reasons for a possible negative reaction to asking for the concrete information needed. Not wanting to be treated like a child (no one wants to feel like their partner is a parent), not wanting to be treated like a dishonest person, or not wanting....it comes down to not wanting to feel something, usually.
So, it is important to hear what she says about what she does not want to feel, accept that she may not want to give information, and validate how she feels. Then when the emotional charge around that is balanced (when she is confident that you want to trust her, and over time, and she can have faith that over time, you will know that the past is no longer repeating), then you can be free to talk about the real reason you are asking and need to know: ptsd, uncontrollable negative thoughts based on the fear of past history repeating, etc. And maybe she will agree to your request, and maybe not. Relationships are a journey, and not for the faint of heart. 🤗
Also, some people see asking for proof of honesty (I guess I could call it) as being controlled, and with me and my partner, because I had communicated so much about my past, she knew I was not trying to control her. She knew I wanted to manage my own thoughts and emotions. Knowing that it was about managing my irrational thoughts and feelings, she was fine with it, but I would say that it is probable that most people would not be. But who knows.
And a probable reason most people may not be fine with someone asking for information to put the ptsd thoughts and paranoia to rest? Well, because this would require the person being asked for info (your partner, my partner) to just have faith and know that a day is coming where I will finally one day trust her enough to stop asking for information. And there is absolutely no way to promise that with any certainty. It requires that my partner have faith in me. And that is what no one can control : faith.
So, like I said, I have no advice, this is just a post based on my personal experience. But, what I want to say is that I really hope you find an amazing partner (whether it is her or someone else) that is capable of having great faith in you (and themselves), so that you can both become the people that you want to be. I do have faith that you will figure it all out. 7cups is an amazing resource!
I wish you all the best! 👍🙏
Yes and you hit the nail on the head she came out of a 22-year marriage and she was controlled and then marriage of course vowed to never let that happen again it's quite amazing that we have come as far as we have in the short time that we have been back together alcoholic about 8 months now it's truly an amazing woman and I personally kind of feel like got to be the right one right relationship because of a lot of reasons yes thank you for all of that and the mail right on the head confirms to me that I am on the right path that I'm acting properly going about this in the right ways I don't know how to friend somebody or whatever they call it here but I would love to be able to talk with you more
stupid talk to text lol they say we've been back together around 8 months now mayo not alcoholic
@selfdisciplinedPenny4408 I am so happy to hear that you feel like you are on the right path! Finding the right person is an amazing experience, so I am thrilled for you. 😃
I have no idea how to be friends on here, but anytime I see a post, I respond when I can. Have a great evening! 👋🥳
Thank you and I would say you don't know how amazing a woman she really is but I think you do lol so glad to hear it can work out
I really 99% convinced that I was broken me on repair thanks again
