I'm unable to let go of the past

@selfdisciplinedPenny4408  I can completely relate to what you are going through.  I cannot give you advice, but I will tell you what I did with my current relationship.  It is the only successful relationship I have ever had, and I had a lot.  lol

I was completely honest with my current partner.  We have been together now for 13 years, and she is absolutely amazing, and being honest with her was very, very hard, but I did it, because any thing less than that, I'd have lost her, anyway.  And by honest, I mean I was honest about why I put up with those awful people in the past.  I was completley honest about my issues with rage, being medication resistant, all of my flaws, all of my weaknesses, etc.  It was really, really hard, because I had to risk rejection, or worse, criticism.  Fortunately, it is not in her nature to criticize.  She only wants to focus on moving forward.  This is key in a successful relationship, I think.  

As a result of my transparency and her desire to focus on always moving forward, she chose to help me improve my strength in my areas of weakness (I am no longer a people pleaser and I stand up for myself now!  I almost never rage, because I do not give in to others anymore when I do not want to).  Also, until I became stronger, she became super transparent.  If I asked to see emails or texts, she showed me because she had nothing to hide, and knew my entire history.  If she needed to go somewhere without me with another person, and I texted her while she was with that person?  She responded immediately (there were a few occasions where her phone was flat and she was willing to prove it).  Any time she spent money, she would show me receipts. We talked and still talk, about everything. 

It took a good 5 years of this for us to get to a point where I finally knew that I could trust her, and vice versa.  This made it where I felt confident in giving up all of the friends that told me she was trouble, and focused on only mutual friends that obviously respected both of us.  A hard and fast rule for both of us was: no *** talking behind each others backs to friends or family.  You got an issue with me?  Do what it takes to work through it with me, without venting to people that cannot change the situation (unless they allow me or her to go live with them lol).  Anytime we were too angry to talk, we took a break and did fun things ALONE (painting, gardening, walks in nature, playing with our pets, alone activities like that).  Until we were emotionally calm enough to talk.  That was also key.

One time, I did leave for 5 months so that she could iron out issues with her family.  But, this was after we had been together for more than 10 years, and we used chat apps to talk frequently throughout the day.  Any time I had an issue that I could not handle alone, she stepped in and handled it.  I was never alone, even though I was traveling alone.  

Now, I have to say, she also was not too proud to admit that her character had been questionable in the past, and so she knew that accepting my challenges was worth the investment (I am a great cook, I love to keep things clean, I like to adopt animals, I am very adventurous and spontaneous, I speak 5 languages, and a lot becomes possible with multilingual skills, I brought a lot to the table to make the work worth it).  A lot of people in the past behaved like they were better than me and I was just simple trash.  I upped my game with skills, and also chose a partner that I felt like was my equal (not perfect, a past full of ridiculous mistakes, family drama, etc lol).  I gave up trying to "marry up", if that makes sense.  I came to the realization, being with her, that there is no such thing as finding someone better than me to help me, or someone worse that I can help, unless I want to believe that nonsense and get involved in an abusive relationship again.  That kind of garbage began in my own mind.  I am equal to others, and anyone reflecting back that I am not, gets no attention from me anymore. 

The best way I could heal from betrayal was to become the most amazing me that I could, an amazing me that I am happy with, and to become something that I felt strongly that someone would want to invest in, even if it wasn't easy.  It was about how I felt about me, not how they felt about me, actually.  It really does start with self.  😊  Corny, cliche, but true.  

That's my experience, for what it is worth.  I wish you healing, strength, love and happiness.  You deserve it!  Above all:  Know that!!  🥰