Is it normal to have a dismissive boyfriend

I send him the following message.

I don’t even know how to explain this anymore in a way that feels like you’ll actually hear me because I feel like I’ve been trying for so long and I always end up in the same place where I’m the one crying and the one overthinking and the one begging for something to feel stable between us

From the beginning when we started talking I already felt this anxiety in me with you like I would sit there rereading messages over and over trying to understand if you liked me or if I was just annoying you or if I was doing something wrong and I would literally lose sleep over it sometimes just thinking about what I said or how you responded and I kept asking you if I did something wrong because I never felt secure and I always felt like I was waiting for you to reassure me properly but most of the time I just stayed confused and in my head

When your plane crash happened I stayed through all of it I remember being there through everything you were going through mentally and emotionally and I didn’t leave I didn’t step back I was there trying to hold you up in that time because I cared about you so much I genuinely did not want you to go through that alone and I took that role seriously even when I didn’t know how to handle everything myself

But what you didn’t really see was that I was also falling apart at the same time and I was going to sleep every night with this heavy feeling in my chest like I wasn’t enough for you like I was replaceable like I had to earn my place with you every single day and I cried myself to sleep so many nights just lying there hoping for something from you that made me feel okay again but most nights I just went to sleep feeling anxious and unwanted and alone even though I was technically in something with you

Then we started dating and I really thought maybe now it would change maybe now I wouldn’t feel like I’m chasing you emotionally but it didn’t turn into that at all

You started getting jealous over my guy friends even though you were the one who told me before that it was fine and I remember feeling so confused like I had to suddenly adjust everything I do and how I speak and who I talk to just to avoid fights and I started thinking all the time before I did anything like will this upset you will this start an argument will you get mad and I still stayed because I loved you and I kept thinking if I just handle things better maybe it will calm down. I did understand from your perspective later on but you were Just so rude about it.

When your exam came I pushed myself in a way I honestly shouldn’t have I stayed up the entire night until morning and I remember looking at the clock and thinking I cannot believe I am still awake and then I slept like 30 minutes and still went to work and I was teaching 35 nursery kids from age 3-5 and I was exhausted to the point where I could barely think properly and I remember standing there in class and just feeling tears coming up because I was so tired and so overwhelmed but I still kept going because I wanted you to pass and I wanted to support you properly

And then you didn’t pass and I was still there after that still trying to support you even though I felt completely drained myself

When I came back home I showed up for you when your uncle passed away I still showed up I still went to pay respects even though I was not emotionally okay myself and I remember meeting your mom and giving her flowers and trying so hard to be respectful and do the right thing but she was cold to me like I didn’t really exist and I remember standing there feeling like I don’t belong here and I kept trying after that because I thought maybe it will get better if I just try harder but it never did

After that everything between us just started feeling heavier and heavier like every topic turned into a fight your mom football small things misunderstandings everything and it felt like I was constantly defending myself constantly explaining myself constantly trying to calm things down while also feeling like I was the one being blamed

And then there were times where you would disappear and not answer my calls for hours or a full day and I would be sitting there literally calling you over and over again feeling anxious and scared not knowing if you were okay or if you were just ignoring me and my whole day would just become me waiting and checking my phone and trying not to panic and when you came back it would often feel like I was the problem for even reacting to being left like that

The last two months especially have really broken something in me because I’ve been crying and begging you to just talk to me like properly talk to me because I have been feeling completely shut out and alone in this and I remember one night I was crying so hard I could barely breathe and I was shaking and I was just asking you to talk to me and I got called dramatic and overreacting and screamed at instead and that moment just stayed with me because I was not even asking for anything big I was just asking you to be there for me for a moment

And even today I called your mom because I could not reach you and I needed to understand what was going on and she did not pick up again just like she never picks up and that’s been happening for a long time now where I try and I try and I try and there is just no response from her and I end up feeling even more stuck because I don’t know who to turn to anymore in this situation

And I think what hurts the most is not even one specific fight it’s the accumulation of everything where I slowly stopped feeling loved I slowly stopped feeling safe I slowly stopped feeling like I mattered. I stopped feeling loved and I just became someone who is always anxious and always tired and always trying to fix something

I love you I really do I love you more than I can explain but I cannot be in this role where I am trying to hold everything together for you while I am falling apart myself because I am not your mother I am not your therapist and I am not someone who can fix what is going on inside you no matter how much I care about you

And that is the hardest part because I do love you but I don’t feel loved in this relationship properly and I haven’t for a long time and I feel like I’ve been surviving in this instead of being in it

If we ever meet again in the future and we are both different and healthier in ourselves then maybe it could be different and we can try again but right now I cannot keep doing this to myself anymore

And he ignored me for 4 hours just to reply with one phrase. “Sorry. I love you”