Is it wrong to ask my partner not to tell me when he’s depressed?

My husband has random days where he becomes deeply sad. He describes it as feeling like he has a “hole in his heart.” It doesn’t happen every day, but when it does, he really hates the feeling and says it feels heavy and painful.

Every time he tells me he feels this way, I immediately drop whatever I’m doing and try to fix it. I ask if he’s taken his medication, but he often doesn’t remember, isn’t sure what the doctor told him, or whether he’s taking it correctly. Yesterday, when he felt like this, I stopped everything and took him out for ice cream just to help him feel better.

Last night, I couldn’t sleep. This morning, I woke up feeling that same “hole in my heart” feeling myself — low motivation, sadness — but I still pushed through and cooked him a nice steak with side dishes before he came home from work. By the time he got home, I was still feeling sad and wanted to cancel everything… but he was suddenly cheerful and jolly, like nothing had happened.

I told him I had already made and moved up his appointment, and I will be going with him next time. But the truth is, when he tells me he feels this deep sadness, it affects me intensely. I spiral. I feel depressed too. We also have a daughter, and I’m trying to hold everything together.

He doesn’t feel this way all the time — maybe two or three times a week — but when it happens, it feels extreme, like someone died or like he wishes he didn’t exist. He says he’s not suicidal because he would never leave our daughter or me, but the intensity still scares me.

What’s confusing is how quickly it passes — today he’s happy, while I’m still emotionally wrecked.

I’m starting to feel like I want him to stop telling me when he feels like this, not because I don’t care, but because there’s nothing I can do in the moment and it pulls me down so deeply that I struggle to function. I feel guilty even thinking this, but once he tells me, all I want to do is cry and shut down — and I still have responsibilities, a child, and a life to manage.

I don’t know how to support him without losing myself.