I still check social media of a person I developed a crush on while in a relationship and feel incredibly guilty
Hello everyone, any type of advice would be welcomed!
I developed a crush on somebody while in a long term relationship with my bf and we ended up breaking up for a while. During that time I decided to give a chance to the other person, (we were just chatting) but things took a wrong turn because he would force me to be with him right after my break up and then got mad when I refused.
Now I know that is called love bombing because he was really sweet and claimed he is serious about me in the beginning but when I refused to start a relationship with him right away he would ghost me, insult me, say that I am childish, immature, way too philosophical and complicated and similar things. That really hurt me, especially ghosting for days and then communicating as if nothing happened. It messed up with my head very much because even after my boyfriend and I started to date again I was so hooked on proving my worth to the other guy that I went and met up with him 3 months after. It felt good to tell him in person how I felt because of him and that I don’t want to be with him, but he tried to kiss me many times until I pushed him away. I felt even more lame afterwards because his intentions about being physical were confirmed. I spiraled into depression and shame even more after that but at the same time started working on my relationship with my bf.
We are still together and even engaged now and things are going great. However, I constantly check the other guy’s social media and watch his stories anonymously. A thought came into my mind the other day: what the *** are you even doing? and I’ve been feeling very weird about myself ever since. I felt so guilty that I even confessed to my partner.
It’s like I need to obsessively keep tabs on his life and I feel relieved when I see he’s not doing any better and not making any sort of progress in terms of friendships and relationships.
But, it’s been 2 years.
I feel like a weirdo and a crazy person. Why do I do that? :( on top of the guilt I feel like there is something wrong with me.
If there is anyone with similar experience please share your story, thank you!
@sincereHuman9830
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable here. I can hear the pain, guilt, and confusion you’re feeling—it’s so real and layered, and that takes such strength to acknowledge. It sounds like the experience with this other person left a lasting impact, especially with the hurtful behavior he showed. It’s completely understandable that it left you feeling hooked, like there was something to prove, and that’s not an easy feeling to shake. The need to check up on him might be your mind’s way of trying to regain control over that hurt, almost like you’re hoping for closure that might not come from him.
The fact that you’ve been so honest with yourself and your partner, and that you’re still committed to growing in your relationship, shows so much self-awareness and strength. This habit doesn’t make you weird or crazy; it’s just a reaction to a wound that hasn’t fully healed. Healing takes time, and sometimes, remnants of those old patterns pop up even when we’re happy and committed. Maybe it could help to be gentle with yourself, like reminding yourself that his progress or lack of it doesn’t define your worth or your growth.
If you ever feel ready to let go of those tabs, maybe it could be freeing for you. But if it’s not easy right now, that’s okay too. Healing from a complex situation like this is a journey, not something that changes overnight. You’re not alone in this, and we’re all here for you as you find your way. You’ve come so far already.
@MercyfulHeart thank you so much for replying to my post!
Your kind words have helped a lot. I agree with you - I was definitely hooked. And the part about seeking closure is also true. It's almost like I'm trying to puzzle the pieces together by keeping up with his life or trying to get to know who this person even was and why they were hurtful towards me at times. Our communication was a mess and I could quickly conclude that his ignoring and rude behaviour stemmed from the fact that I didn't want to get physical with him right away.
We did chat a few more times in the future (initiated by him) and it would always end in a fight. Out of many regrets I have, this is the one I am deeply ashamed of as well - I shouldn't have fallen for his provocation and efforts to contact me after I reconciled with my partner.
Healing is definitely not linear, you are right.
I have been doing good so far and haven't checked his social media ever since making this post.
Thank you again for your kind words of support, I really appreciate it!
@sincereHuman9830 I do this too. I have chosen to be open and honest with my husband. "I did some light social media stalking on my ex today." if I get a juicy detail that's also noted. It's not unheard of to still care about people in your past, if you are honoring your relationship with honesty and trust, I don't see the issue. Much love <3
@thoughtfulGrapefruit6787
thank you for sharing this!😊 I feel less weird now haha!
Sending love
