I think I did a big mistake...

...in that I yesterday added my middle school crush as a friend on ***. I had not seen her in 25 years, before my mum ordered us to move to another country when middle school ended. I never got to see her again, and how it ended so abruptly, I never got any closure. So for a year or so I mourned her. I think what made it so powerful and emotional for me, was the fact that these feelings if mine were all new. They were so big, intense, all-consuming. It is a feeling I have never felt before or since.

What makes this memory even more poignant, is that she showed me kindness, grace and compassion when I needed it the most. At school I was severaly bullied. At home I was emotionally neglected and psychologically abused. Scars I carry to this day. I am now working actively on improving my mental health, as well as my overall health. I try to be more self-compassionate, set firm boundaries and do some reflections about the relationships to the people in my life that I love.

But when I think of her, I feel a sense of dread. At least right now. Because I don't know why I added her. I guess my mind craved closure. Lately I have begun to open myself up to love again. Ever since her, I closed my heart off for other girls. Maybe it was the guilt and shame I felt over how I rejected her, what I perceived to be, advances on me. But I was too shy and had such low self-esteem to act. Besides, why on earth would she fall for a guy like me? I deemed her as way out of my league.

What made it all worse was the fact that she was friends with the bully who made my dchool days ***. I remember she would get furious at him for picking on me. I really appreciated her acts of kindness like that. We never really got to talk that much, just us two. Because usually the bullies would be close by and monitor my every move and use that as ammunition against me later. It was relentless. But I remember we were out running during gym class. We ended up exchanging a few words and had a brief conversation. She always seemed so happy, full of life and curious to get to know me. This really contradicted so much how life was at school and at home, where I felt no one cared.

So when middle school ended I moved to another country. I never got to tell her goodbye or say anything. My wish to make amends as I planned to move to the next city over to start highschool, was thwarted by my mother and her plans. She didn't even ask me what I wanted. I had heard rumors about this girl I had a crush on, would also move to the same city that I had planned to move to. I had high hopes for me maybe getting to know her more, and maybe tell her how I feel. But that didn't happen.

As I stated earlier, I have been really working on myself lately. But this has been on my own accord, as I am not seeing a therapist lately. I have been trying dating again, and I think it is the act of opening myself up to love again, to fall in love and be vulnerable, that has made me think of my middle school crush once again. She has always been there in the back on my mind from time to time. There were so many moments I wanted to reach out and add her as a friend. Maybe send her a message. But I chickened out. Was too afraid to lose her all over again. So I bottled those feelings all up. Kept those feelings for her, or any girl in general, suppressed. It was too painful. Too strong. Too much. But I never really moved on, because that wound would never heal.

That 14/15 yo boy who felt love for the first time, still lives in me. I see that now. I never really healed from that trauma from those years. It was literally both heaven and ***. But through it all, she was there in a way, beliving in me when I didn't have faith in myself. I never forgot that. And I felt so guilty for brushing her off like I did. When we moved, I would take lonely walks down to sea and just stare out on the horizon, thinking of her.

Fast forward to now, 25 years later. I added her, as well as a couple of other classmates, on ***. I have already had a brief conversation on Messenger with a classmate. I am considering sending my crush a message. But I am frightened if it's such a good idea? The fact is, she is at another place in her life. She has a husband and two kids. I don't want to come across as needy or creepy. I think I'll carry what I truly felt for her to my grave. It's just too dangerous to express those emotions I had for her, given that she is in a relationship. But I want to express gratitude towards her for how she treated me with such kindness, grace and respect. She made such an impact on me that I still get choked up thinking about her, all these years later.

I have felt so ashamed over myself in how I pushed her away. I was never good at reading cues and body language, but I felt she really put in a lot of effort over those years, for nothing. By the end, I could tell she was fed up and cold towards me. She didn't deserve that, and for that I carry a lot of regret.

A part of me wants to message her and tell her my gratitude. But I am unsure. Am I fooling myself? I am fairly certain that I don't have romantic wishes of us being together. I think it's more that I seek some sort of finality and closure; to make peace with what happened. To forgive that young and confused boy who got his world rocked by love for the first time in his life. And to make right of that guilt I felt to her. I have been carrying this weight for so long. I just want to tell her, but keep it more light as not to send unwanted signals. It already means the world to me that she accepted my friend request.

Now I am unsure if I should tell her? This whole thing is killing me. I feel these conflicting emotions and I wonder why I even bothered to add her. Because it's not necessarily my fear of telling her. It's what to say and the possible ramifications of that act. If I end up conjuring old emotions, both in me and her. But I feel I need to tell her to move on in my life. Is it selfish to express my sincere gratitude to her, as a platform for self-forgiveness? As a tool to realize that a girl can love me, snd that I can love myself once again. Is that foolish and selfish?

My doubts keep me awake at night. Is this what they call limerance? I don't think so, in that I don't have moved on from us being together. That was never going to happen anyway. But it is a beautiful thought and memory when I think of her: to her I existed. She recognized me; I wasn't invisible. And in that I have worth. I try to remind myself of that when I am at my lowest. I guess I needed that reminder now, when I am once again navigating the perils of uncharted territory when it comes to love.

I don't want to live with regrets and bitterness in my heart anymore. I want and will choose love from here on. In that I have also thought about my middle school bully. That bully was, and I guess still is, friends with my crush. A part of me wants to reach out and say I no longer carry any ill will or contempt towards him. I still think he treated me very badly, and that was, and still is, not okay. But I figured he might not have had it all too well in his domestic life. I remember seeing his father at school a couple of times, and he came across to me as quite the abusive ***. So I now carry more of a sense of compassion or maybe pity with my bully.

I feel like I'm on the threshold of making some positive changes in my life. I am at the cusp of a metamorphosis in my life, and am yet again both terrified and hopeful about what awaits me. And I feel maybe my middle school crush is the key to this evolution in me.

Please let me hear your thoughts. Am I being creepy and/or delusional here? This whole thing has turned my head into a spin.