Just broke up with a four year relationship
My first love. I screwed up big-time because of my abandonment issues.
I made her so anxious because she had to try to help me through my issues and she got tired of the cycles of me feeling good and then afraid of her abandoning me I couldn’t be in the moment.
And when I finally realized what I was doing after a month of breaking up, she said she didn’t want to revisit the relationship even with couples counseling. I promised to respect her and now I’m just feeling down. She let me know I could message her in a month because she still cares about me.
Now I think I just miss my closest friend. The person I could tell everything to and share everything with and the person who would share things with me and know that she was safe. I hate that I made her feel unsafe to the point that she had to leave and I know she was right.
@turquoiseNorth1277
😔
I can see you care.
And you genuinely are a good person.
Who has been through so much.
And I admire that you have not tried to put this on her 💛
I genuinely hope in a month, you can talk and at the very least salvage your friendship 💛
@turquoiseNorth1277
Hi,
This sounds really difficult and I am so sorry for this. It is super normal to miss a first love relationship and to miss the person who was also the closest friend as well as the girlfriend in the relationship. You're a good person and you should try to acknowledge that you tried to not put stress on her. That's evidence of your care.
I really hope things will settle soon and please do reach out to me if you want to talk more on this ☺️
You're not alone and this community space is here for you ❤️
Wishing you healing when you read this 😊☁️
Thank you for your reply. I’m kind of in a weird place right now. Because after a month without her, I’m starting to see everything that happened and looking at things from her perspective and I understand why she had to leave. She didn’t want to be in a situation with someone like me who was always looking for certainty, trying to control an outcome that sort of thing. She wanted to be present in the moment. And I was spiraling because of several issues that were combined all at once with my fear of financial loss my fear of abandonment, and I think I had a bad Therapist, who pointed the finger at her and said that she was dangling a carryin front of me when she pointed out that my girlfriend wanting to go to another country and telling me that was just her dangling the carrot And then declaring me cured. After the fact we broke up. She never addressed any issues that were the core of my anxiety.
In hindsight, I’m feeling a lot better now that I’ve discovered those issues because I went to another. Therapist immediately recognized my need for reassurance and we’re working through them by helping me understand who I was before the relationship who I am now and who I want to become later.
And I’m taking proactive steps to fill the gap in time and the hole in my heart by reconnecting with my mother and my father my family cousins. Trying to keep busy.
Now I’m just getting for a conversation with her in September. She asked me for space but agreed that I could message her in September to talk about what we’ve been doing over the summer.
I’m hoping she’ll agree to an in person meet up so that we can maybe discuss what happened to us how we got to where we are and what our feelings for each other might be at that time. Because if we still both feel strongly for each other, who knows maybe the problem is that she doesn’t feel safe with me not repeating the same cycles. And after sharing everything we do about each other. Maybe she’ll realize that things are different because Therapist is really helping me get through it.
I won’t expect her to, but she did say she still cares about me. Hopeful but not really expecting anything. At the very least, I’ll know one way or the other whether or not we really are over if there’s really no feelings left on her side for me.
I think the biggest thing is that she needs to know that she can trust the partner that she’s with to be consistent and reliable. Just a thought that’s musing in my head. Because if there’s still mutual feelings, the problem is compatibility. Either wanting different things or Trust, reliability and consistency. I think I broke her trust in being the kind of person who could be in the moment.
Time will tell. Connecting with my family is helping a lot.
