My husband lied to me, and is making me feel crazy

Hi everyone! I’m at a crossroad and really struggling by myself. I could use some perspective and advice.

I just turned 40. I’ve been married to my husband for 21 years and we have three kids between 10-15. Over the last 5 years my husbands behavior has been more distant at home, not helping, watching tv or his phone every free minute, not following through when he commits to do things for me, not engaging with the kids unless it’s something he wants to do like camping, hiking, etc. He’s also been untruthful about money, and selfish about some of his decision which have impacted how I feel about him and our relationship. This last year our pre-teen has been struggling with anxiety, and he’s handled it by yelling, blaming etc. He always held that the only thing wrong with our relationship is that I’m not affectionate enough, and we aren’t “alone” enough. All this to say that I was already struggling with our marriage.

I found out that over the last 5 years he’s been commenting really inappropriate things on explicit posts from women online. Even messaging to arrange meetups (even though I don’t think he ever followed through in person). He was on swingers boards, local boards, etc. He commented things that make my stomach churn. When I confronted him he denied it at first. For two weeks he lied outright. Finally I told him I had proof and he said “well I didn’t disclose everything”. He had made up an entire story about his account being hacked, he would never have told me the truth.

he’s saying it’s not cheating because it wasn’t in person. He’s saying it’s my fault because he needs to feel more loved. And he’s saying it’s up to me what happens next.

I hate this. I feel trapped. I don’t want to blow up my kids lives, but how do I live with a man who would say and do these things and not even apologize but put it all on me. He acted like I was evil and plotting against him by taking screenshots of what I saw. Likely wanting proof meant I was the problem.

Please offer me some advice on how to make this decision, support on how to do it, and reassurance that, while I know I’m not perfect, this isn’t really all my fault.