My thoughts can’t let me rest

I’m done… I’m done with feeling guilt and pain.. every night I can’t sleep because my thoughts keeps me up, I wish there was a way to reverse time and pay attentions to every thing that was not okay with him in that moment.. But I can’t change the past, or forget it. But how can I forget things that hurt me so much.. things that for HIM were nothing serious..

Let’s start when we meet he was into me first and I was not looking for something serious because I was just not interested in relationship… Him in the other hand had broken up with his girlfriend in march and we meant in May. So He asked for my number and was so corny at first.. So much that I felt like he was love booming me.. I treat him as a friend from the start.. but then with days of going out in a group or alone I saw something in him like I thought he was a good guy and why not give him a chance.

He asked me to be His girlfriend in August I said yes. So we been together and two weeks of relationship and I found out he still had his ex.. and how I found out not by him or someone.. his ex view my profile and my innocent mind thought it was a family member of him, and asked him who she was with a nervous face by thinking it was a family member and he said my ex.. at that response I felt so disrespected, after that I told him why he still has her and he said I didn’t know and he erase her… but I don’t want to sound toxic but that’s mess up like how can you still have your ex and just after your ex checks your girlfriend profile you erase her?? Like come on. She already talked stuff about me just by him erasing her after she checked my profile. I let that slide.. but more came after, more disappointments..

In September we stayed together in my room just chilling and I asked him for his phone he was half sleep he said yes and I took it and I saw that he Still HAD HIS FREAKING EX in contracts I was done I woke him up and said what the f is this? and he said oh no sorry I just forgot to erase her completely.. I said no sorry get out I can’t with this.. he keep saying that it was nothing he just forgot… and then I stop seen him and texting him for a week.. he called me crying saying he loves me that I miss understood and that it was not fair to leave him just by a misunderstanding.. I gave him a second chance and said to him listen to me closely if you have your ex in anything I will not forgive you… he said okay I won’t… and we got back together… but that’s not the end.

In November my sister told me if I checked his accounts and I said no I trust him and she told me he had relationship post in his page for his ex… I confront him again and said what did I told you? You think I’m joking? This is not funny paying with a person heart why you keep hurting me or making me look bad?? And he said why you like this what happened and I show him that he had his ex post in his account and he said that was before I was with you and I didn’t think it was important and then I said okay then it might not be for you but erase them all of them.. he said he would and he did but he left one that *** me off one that was for his family it said to give them everything they want. I said why didn’t you erase this one, he said he post for his family and I said so she is your family, and he said no but I left it because for my mom and sister.. and I said what about me? Don’t I matter that post is meant for your family then what am I a distraction a temporary body for you? And he said no that’s not what I mean I will erase it okay. And I said whatever.. after that everything when back to normal that’s when my heart and mind could not stop thinking of this and that….

And then the most recently in February 2025 we were getting he relationship together. But since I was constantly thinking if he loved me I looked at his ex comments and his and he called her princess in Spanish princesa.. and it hurt to this day to say it but he never not even once told me princesa in his full confidence… never… and I even bring up the word and he didn’t say it so I waited until April to confront him.. and I said why don’t you call me princesa and he said that the time hasn’t come… that torn me apart.. for her it was just a comment and for me I had to earn it…. In his photo she said Handsome with heart and he said like you my princesa and she said thank you amor… and I was like okay that’s his past but… him saying I have to earn it… I said no just forget it I don’t want to be called like that anymore… and he let the conversation end.

we had arguments later a lot about past things he did and he keep saying to let go but how can I if he keep putting more in the list…

And what got me at my limit was that he said he wanted to called me gordita(chubby) and I said no because my biggest insecurity is that I’m fat and he said okay but one day he called me like that and I said why can’t you call me sweet nicknames ones that I would like.. and he said but I’m saying it in a cute and sweet way and I said no maybe for you it is but for me it’s an insult and more if I’m going to the gym to get skinny. And he said even if you get skinny I will still call you Gordita and I just told him please get me home I don’t feel good. And he said okay and then he left…

That’s the last fight we had starting may of this year we been doing good not more fights and we are okay…

But I’m still asking myself if even tho now I’m in a happy relationship should I not care about the past anymore even though it hurts me… I need help.. I need to know if I should be alone or just forget somehow the past…