Need Advice About My Partner’s Female Best Friend Situation (Feeling Invisible & Deprioritized)

I’m struggling a lot in my relationship because of an ongoing issue involving my boyfriend’s female best friend (I’ll call her liz). This has been going on for a long time and has deeply affected my mental health.

Before our relationship, my boyfriend already had a very close friendship with liz. They used to talk daily and even sleep on calls together. He had a similar pattern earlier too — during his previous 3-year relationship, he also didn’t tell Thangu that he had a girlfriend, and their emotional closeness continued. His ex was distant, and he says liz gave him emotional comfort during that time.

When my boyfriend and I got into a relationship, the closeness with liz continued initially. Over time, it started to bother me because it felt emotionally inappropriate — daily calls, emotional dependency, and prioritizing her time and feelings. I didn’t react immediately, but slowly I began expressing discomfort and asked him to reduce flirty chatting, constant calling, and sleeping on calls. After many arguments and repeated requests, he finally stopped those behaviors — but only after a lot of resistance. Even now, he frames this as a big sacrifice, even though I feel it was basic respect for a partner.

The biggest issue is that for more than a year, he refused or delayed telling liz that he is in a relationship with me. He told his family and other friends about us, but not her. His reason was fear — fear that telling her would change their closeness or hurt the friendship. I kept explaining how painful this was for me, especially because in my past relationship I was also hidden from important people, which caused deep trauma.

I repeatedly told him that I don’t want him to lose his friend — I only wanted honesty, transparency, and clear boundaries. Still, he kept delaying. Whenever I asked if he mentioned me during their calls, he would say there was “no time” or the situation didn’t come up. This made me feel invisible and unchosen, and I felt humiliated asking again and again for something that should come naturally.

Recently, he told me he is distancing himself from liz. Initially, I thought he was doing this for me and for our relationship, and I felt guilty that I was “ruining” a good friendship. But later he admitted that the real reason he is distancing is because his own feelings are getting hurt. He said he feels jealous and sad when he sees liz with other guy friends, and earlier he felt okay only because she used to prioritize him, call him daily, and sleep on calls with him. Now that she has many other friends, it hurts him more, so he’s pulling away to protect himself.

What shocked me further was his plan for eventually telling her about me. He said his plan is:

• first, to distance himself from her (which I now understand is mainly to protect his own feelings),

• then, over time, casually mention my name when they talk or post stories with me so she might notice,

• and only after she asks him about me, he would tell her that I’m his girlfriend.

He told me he needs another two months for this process.

This made me feel deeply hurt and confused. I felt like:

• he is still avoiding direct honesty,

• he is prioritizing his comfort and fear over my emotional safety,

• and I’m being asked to wait silently while I remain hidden from someone who emotionally matters to him.

What hurt even more is realizing that:

• He didn’t tell her about me for over a year to protect his emotional comfort.

• Now he is distancing from her also for his emotional comfort.

• Yet he framed both situations as if they were sacrifices for me or for our relationship.

I felt like my pain was minimized, while his feelings were always centered.

I also notice that because I stayed, softened my reactions, and kept trying to be understanding, he now assumes I’ll stay even if he never tells her about us. I feel foolish and ashamed for repeatedly asking him to acknowledge me to someone who clearly emotionally matters to him.

I’m exhausted, anxious, and deeply hurt. I don’t want to control him or isolate him from friends. I just want to feel chosen, respected, and not hidden. I want to know if my feelings are valid, whether this dynamic is emotionally unhealthy, and what a healthy boundary would look like here.

Now his only goal is to distance him from her and he is succeding in that.. He didnt tell her about us to protect their friendship...now he is distancing her from him to protect his feelings... Where are mine?? where is my feeling? my hurt? i have told 100 times to tell her about us...NO...he will never do it
i had 2 questions
1)What would a healthy boundary look like here without controlling him or suppressing my own needs?
2)How do I stop feeling foolish and ashamed for repeatedly asking for basic transparency and acknowledgment?