Overgrown feelings for my best friend.

Hello.

My thoughts surrounding my best friend have been slowly edging away from platonic for the past few years. For context, we are both bisexual men. I have known him since elementary school but he moved away 6 years ago during middle school. We have kept in touch through text and chat everyday.

My interest in him is unlike anything I have felt before. Its not an oggling crush like those I had when I was much younger, and not the vacant attraction I feel nowadays for people I barely know. I love him deeply as a friend, and to me naturally, I want the most of the people whom I love. Maybe I do have some sort of issue with identifying the line between platonic and romantic, but I am attracted to him physically as well. It's moreso that he matters to me infinitely more a a person in my life than my feelings for him do, so whatever he wants our relationship to be is what I want too, though I will keep hoping.

For as long as I have attached my attention to certain people, I have had a tendency to be envious and possesive. It's not as extreme as it was in my youth, as I find that time in my life quite embarrassing and have resolved to mature and become a better person.

However, a few years back he was visiting a mutual friend of ours whom I had a rocky parting with before leaving school. It through me in a fit. I didn't let it show and never brought it up in our conversations, but every time I imagined them together, him not knowing why I had cut her off completely, doing all the things I wish I could do with him, it felt like a fat punch to the gut. The worst of it is when he sent me pictures of them getting drunk together in her hotel room. Granted, her family was around, probably in a seperate room, as they were not yet adults at the time. I've gotten over this event. I hold nothing against this mutual friend of ours anymore and wish to reconnect with her some day, but that's besides the point.

I visited him a few times within a 6 month span when I was on the same continent as him. That was around 8 months ago. We weren't as verbose as we are when we speak through chat, but he sat next to me on the sofa and draped the blanket over the two of us. He adjusted the colar of one of the shirts he gave me to try on. I don't mean to claim any intent from him. I'm only describing this closeness we had that I miss every day of my life. I watched him from the side of my vision when he thought hard on a chess puzzle, his fingers on his chin and his brows furrowed. I wonder now still if he could feel my attention on him. Every time he is in my line of sight I feel like im heaving from breathing powdered sugar. I know I'm dramatic.

We continue to talk every day. I get attracted to people I meet in real life, but never want anything more from them than something physical. Some days I get pangs in my chest just looking at boring locations like an apartment window. If he were here we would both be seeing it. If he were here I would point out this dog on the side of the road and we would call it a fatass together. Any uninteresting HotPot place suddenly seems like a must try location if I imagine he'll be going with me. Of all the people that I've met and spent time with since I last saw him, no one even had the potential to matter to me nearly as much. We've simply known eachother for too long. Everything I like is because I have been shaped around him, therefore the only one that fulfils that niche is him. I like him because I like him. It's a circular problem.

These days I have been trying to tamp down the seething feeling everytime he mentions his new friend from college, or the thought of this friend crosses my mind. He told me they had gotten pretty handsy during a party, but he was unsure whether he wanted to be more with this friend. Now he is asking me for recommendations for restaurants that serve my country's cuisine in his city. I oblige, it's a fun conversation to have with him. I do wonder what the intent is in going to a restaurant just the two of them. My guts feel blended. I wondered if I should give them a poor recommendation, as I have heard that good food makes positive reinforcements with the people you eat it with. I'm not sure if that's even really a thing or if I just made it up. Either way I'm giving him my most sincere opinions on the restaurants based off of the images provided in google maps. I want him to enjoy the meal. I know he likes my country's cuisine. I don't want him to disappoint his friend. Whatever happens, happens. He matters more to me as a friend, as a brother, and as a person than anything else, especially my own selfish wants.