Pls help

Hello, I’d like to hear a perspective from an adult. Around me, I don’t have anyone I feel safe to talk to without making things worse. I had a fight with my family (my dad, mom, and older sister) recently about my studies. I want to leave my current university (a traditional one) and move to an open university, where I can study by myself at home and only go in to take exams.

I gave them two reasons:

1. The current way of studying doesn’t suit me.

It feels too packed and overwhelming. I have very little energy, and I burn out quickly. Even though I still have things I want to do after class, I usually end up sleeping through the day instead. It’s hard to explain, so I just label myself as “lazy” because it’s easier — and that’s how everyone else sees me anyway: not trying hard enough, not serious, selfish. But I feel like I should know myself best. Still, no one in my family is on my side.

2. My health is getting worse.

I already have depression and am getting treatment. Everyone in my family knows this. Recently, I’ve started having panic symptoms — not too severe, but things like trouble breathing, shaking, fast heartbeat, and jerking awake like I’m falling just as I’m about to sleep. I wake up at 2–3 a.m. almost every night. It feels like I sleep but never rest. Even small sounds scare me now, like my body is stuck in survival mode.

In these discussions, my sister is the one who talks for everyone. My parents trust her completely. She’s successful, earns money to support the family, and is very capable. Honestly, they’re also afraid of her when she gets angry. Since I was in high school, I’ve disliked the way she makes decisions for me. Back then, I already knew I liked languages more, but I had to go into the science-math program because it gave me “more options.” After high school, I burned out (that’s also when my depression started) because I never did well in science-math. It made me feel like I wasn’t fit for studying at all.

But my sister wanted me to get a degree. I didn’t understand why at first, but later I learned how important it is for jobs here in Thailand. Since graduating in 2024, I’ve taken the entrance exam 2–4 times and transferred universities once already. I know this costs a lot of money, and they’ve reminded me of that too — which is true. But from the beginning, no one really listened to me. They just said it was “love” and “good intentions.”

When I choose differently from what my sister wants, she says I have to “prove myself.” I don’t understand why I need to prove myself after following her decisions. It feels like I’m forced to play on her chessboard. Everyone treats me like fragile glass, and it feels wrong to simply have my own thoughts. But if I don’t speak up for myself, then no one will. My sister thinks I’m just being selfish. My parents won’t open up to my choices either, which I understand — my plan doesn’t look stable. They want what’s best, I know that.

But honestly, sometimes I just want to run away. Maybe it would be easier to have no family at all. Of course, I can’t leave yet — not until I can work and support myself, with at least a bachelor’s degree. I know Thai values emphasize filial duty, but I really can’t take it anymore. I feel so resentful. I just want to leave and never come back.

In our last fight, I admit I used harsh words. I knew it would hurt my sister, but I don’t want to apologize right now, because it wouldn’t be sincere. As long as I’m in this emotional state, it won’t come from my heart. I feel like I’m turning into the kind of person I dislike: someone with too much ego who refuses to admit they’re wrong. But even if I’m wrong, I still want to stand by myself. If this aggressiveness is truly my nature, I’ll work on changing it. But I don’t believe that’s the case.

What I need help with:

1. A life mentor. Usually, I talk with my roommate, but we’re the same age, so the most she can do is listen and try to hold me together. I want advice from an older person with a broader perspective. You don’t have to understand me completely — just help me see things more widely, while respecting my decisions. At home, I feel like my opinions and feelings are worthless. I’m scared to make decisions, afraid my family will tear me down. Where can I find someone safe to talk to without risking scams? I have old teachers, but I’m afraid they’ll see me differently if I open up.

2. Protecting my own space. I know I sound aggressive sometimes, but deep down I’m just hurt that people I trust don’t understand me. I don’t want to keep opening up to them anymore. I’d rather this be the last time. I don’t want a family relationship that only “cares” but never truly listens. But I do love my family. I just don’t know what to do — except I know I must protect myself first.

I’m continuing therapy and medication with my psychiatrist. Thank you for listening.