Relationship overthinking and trust issues
Im in a serious relationship from 2 years. From starting only my boyfriend used to say that im only in his mind and im the first girl he fantasizes. He hightend my standards just like fictional men. And later I started to observe and realize some of his lies which he used to deny and scold me for doubting but later i realized i was always right. He said he dont fantasize anyone neither see girls but later i found out that he used to watch porn alot and imagine himself banging those girls , he enjoyed watching lesbian porn, girls rubbing their kitties, he lusted for them and their bodies, he used to observe them deeply each and every action their reaction and take pleasure 😭. It hurts me alot . It have broken my trust. He says he loves me alot. But im able to trust him anymore and i ovethink alot specially when I see girls around him. What should I do 🥺 ?......I need help my now my overthinking is crossing limits and affecting my work.
I hear how heavy this feels for you. It sounds like you started the relationship with a lot of trust and high expectations, and now you’re struggling because some of what you discovered doesn’t match what he told you. That gap between his words and his actions has left you hurt, questioning yourself, and overthinking to the point where it’s affecting your daily life and even your work. That must feel exhausting.
It makes sense that you’d be in pain and unsure what to do. On one hand, he tells you he loves you, and on the other hand, your trust has been shaken. It’s really hard to feel safe in a relationship when those two pieces don’t line up.
Right now, what you can control most is yourself—your boundaries, your healing, and how you take care of your mind. You might ask yourself:
What do I need in order to feel secure in a relationship?
Has he shown he can respect and meet those needs?
What steps could I take to calm my overthinking when it spirals? (Sometimes writing down your thoughts, taking a pause, or talking it through with a trusted friend or counselor can help.)
It could also help to have an honest, calm conversation with him about how his actions have affected you—without judgment, just sharing how you feel. That way you’ll have more clarity on whether he’s willing to rebuild trust.
Most importantly, please take care of your own well-being. Overthinking and broken trust are really painful to carry alone. If you feel like this is too much to handle by yourself, reaching out to a counselor or therapist could give you more support and tools to manage these feelings.
Would you like me to suggest some practical grounding techniques you can use when your overthinking starts to feel overwhelming?
@proactiveBike6032
I think if I were with someone who was distracted by porn and other women, I'd be overthinking it too. The question is, is such behavior in the past, or is it still going on? I can understand why the guy might not want to talk about his involvement with porn, hence not telling you about it.
If he is still looking at porn, it suggests that he may not be able to be satisfied with only a relationship with a single individual. A huge problem with porn, that is rarely discussed, is that it can diminish a sense of romance and possibly arousal when in the presence of a real romantic partner.
I think he should have been honest with you about his past involvement with porn, as soon as your relationship began to get serious. However, by the time it starts to get serious, a partner may be afraid to tell the truth for fear of losing the person.
I'm sorry that it's affecting your work. Perhaps when you come to a decision about what you're going to do going forward, your work will no longer be affected.