Resentment and Unnecessary Curiosity
Hello!!
so basically me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost a year now! We were doing really really good. A few weeks ago he’s told me something about his past and his ex. (TW: abortion) They had an abortion and it took him 8 months into the relationship to tell me which really hurt me. Now we talked about this and honestly I’m not even too mad about it anymore because he needed his own pace to tell me and he regrets telling me so late.
we promised each other to tell each other everything and as soon as possible. He said that was all that he kept to himself because he was anxious and scared and I believe him.
We are working through everything and trying to heal x it’s been going really good so far and he’s putting in a lot of effort. He’s always been a very kind and loving boyfriend. The only part that bugged me was that he kept it from me so long!
The problem now is that I feel very insecure suddenly about his past relationships and stuff. I get random questions in my head and overthink a lot. I.e. thinking whether he used condoms in his relations or if he really loves me (he’s never given me any doubt to). I even went so far to ask him if he’d ever cheat on me (he hates cheaters cause his ex cheated on him)
unnecessary stuff that isn’t even in relation to the issue we had.
ive also been scared about him keeping things from me but he’s promised me he will tell me everything and I mean I have no choice really but to believe him.
I don’t know how to stop overthinking about everything and anything and most importantly unnecessary stuff about his past relationships and about him really being in love with me (even though I know he is).
i get the urge to ask him stuff and I sometimes even answer really salty and petty. It feels like I’m getting resentful and doubtful even though I don’t want to.
does anyone know how to stop this and get back on track and focus on healing only?
@appalovesyou
Hello AppaLovesYou;
Thank you for sharing.
I am sure this took a lot to share such deep and personal feelings. You are valid in feeling insecure with his past relationships. I would feel the same way. You are not alone, we are here without judgement.
It sounds like you in defense or
protection mode with “if he really loves
me (he’s never given me any doubt to)” and “been scared about him keeping things from me” and “I don’t know how to stop overthinking”
and “i get the urge to ask him stuff and
I sometimes even answer really salty and petty.”
It is a natural response when we perceive we are going to be hurt.
But “he’s promised me he will tell me
everything and I mean I have no choice really but to believe him.” You always have a choice! We just need to be
willing to accept the outcome of the choice(s) we make.
One of the many big big things to remember,
we all have a past. Some are more proud then other of their past. I am not one
that is proud of mine. Some of us are a little better at sharing then others. I
on the other hand am not easy with sharing mine. It takes a while for me to
open and to trust.
Now think of what is required when sharing. For me, it takes a lot of trust. If
that were my story, it would require a serious amount, a massive amount of
trust. It seems as though he trusts you to share something so personal.
I have been in my relationship decades and I am STILL learning of things from
my Spouse’s past. There is a lot of information and context with each story.
What about this event is causing you issue?
Is it because he had a previous relationship?
It sounds and it seems like he does care a lot about you.
Hello Barltik,
thank you so much for your reply!
I really appreciate you taking out the time!
I honestly don’t know what really about the event caused an issue for me. This happened almost a month ago and I feel like if I think of it now I don’t feel like it was something to be so hurt over. I just feel like it has triggered a lot of stuff in me.
Maybe if I tell you my thought process you can figure something out.
When he told me I felt like my world crashed I felt like he hid something from me for so long while I was sharing everything with him. I began thinking ‚if he hid something this important for so long and I didn’t even notice. What else is he hiding? Or what else could he hide and I would just never know. ‚. He reassured me that that was the only thing he kept from me because he was feeling very anxious and unsure about telling me. And he didn’t know if I’d see him the same and would want to stay with him. The abortion the thing he told me itself doesn’t bother me at all.
What really troubled me was that he kept something so long from me. If I think of the whole situation now I don’t feel bothered by it. But there were some side effects to it.
I began being very jealous of his past and feeling not enough I asked him questions about his ex and started comparing myself. I was so retroactive jealous that I got frustrated with myself. But I read a book about it and learned pretty quickly how to deal with it and I don’t have that anymore.
Then it resulted me in overthinking about him not sharing everything with me and being scared he could eventually even cheat on me and I couldn’t find out (we are also in a long distance relationship which makes it harder). I talked to him about it and he was understandably very upset that I thought he would ever do that to me. He’s been cheated on in his ex relationship, which was very toxic, and he never cheated back as revenge or anything like that. He hates cheaters and he was really upset I could see him being one. Now that died down as well or so I thought.
We’ve been doing really good this last week. I haven’t had any crazy retroactive jealousy. I did have questions that I asked him for clarification. All in all we’ve been talking on the phone a lot and being on call doing our own stuff and having each other in the background as we always used to do.
Yesterday I wasn’t feeling anxious about anything at all! And I was so relieved. I was so so scared of losing him and of those thoughts preventing us from having a proper relationship or making me break up with him thinking I wasn’t okay or not ready to have a relationship yet. I do think I also discovered i have abandonment issues. I’m very afraid of losing such a loving and caring boyfriend.
Today we had a beautiful day, we laughed a lot, we were very lovey dovey I was just so happy to be back in this state and in the matter of a second suddenly my thoughts just completely changed and I had this deep fear of he would ever cheat on me. I told myself he wouldn’t and we’ve already talked of this but somehow that feeling didn’t go away. I was so anxious of him cheating on me in the future. I don’t know why I have this fear but I’m starting to get annoyed with myself. I just want for all of these doubts and fears of mine and intrusive thoughts to just go away. So I can be peaceful in my mind and just continue this relationship with him.
He‘s never given me any reason to doubt him before especially if it’s about girls. He listens to me and he takes his time out to really understand me and talk to me even during his exam time and even tells me to call him while he’s sleeping so he can reassure me and I don’t have to overthink too long and wait for his answer to my questions. And in those 8months of dating before he told me his big thing I never had the fear of him cheating on me. We promised each other if we would lose feelings or would want to sleep with someone else aka cheat we would break up first. I trust he’s a nice enough person to do this but I still have that irrational fear. I don’t know what to do.
@appalovesyou,
you both have a past.
Everyone has. It's past though, that is why it's called the past.
Enjoy the present rather then letting your or someone's past rule your world.
Also remember, he told you and was under no obligation to do so.
@dukeofdearham hey :)
thanks!!! And yes I know I don’t even really mind his past anymore or the whole thing he told me. It’s more the side effects that my brain made up out of nowhere and for no reason like feeling fear that he’ll cheat on me or the retroactive jealousy or the feeling anxious he will hide stuff from me and I won’t notice stuff. I don’t know how to deal with that and how to stop those intrusive thoughts because they’re just here unnecessarily
@appalovesyou,
what has helped me and still helps is breathing exercises. It slows down my thoughts about both past and current situations. Helping me to take a step back and observe rather then be the situation.
@barltik2064
@barltik2065
@appalovesyou
There are some spiraling effects going on and I was thinking as you mentioned “I do think I also discovered i have abandonment issues.” If I were to guess I would agree.
It is a natural reaction and form of protection.
As DukeofDearHam stated “it’s called the past.”, and you also recognized “It’s more the side effects that my brain made up”.
For me, I had hyper awareness. I was keeping track of everything and everyone. What everyone had said and did around me. So I would catch [whomever] in a lie or fail to share something. It was an extremely taxing and exhausting process that I was extremely good at. I could walk into a room and know if something is missing or had moved. A story I could pick apart and see who and what. I had also learned I was utilizing DID, which enabled me to live in any situation of a person’s story to gain insight and theorize who was going to do what. All of that got me protection from being hurt. If you were not close to me, you could not hurt me. At first it was a form of entertainment for friends but eventually (and quickly) people learned not to like me and would keep clear. They were afraid of me. But also, all I saw in them was the negative. The lies and the cheating. I justified myself by saying to myself I did not make them do it. But at the same time, I was not living. People are human, and we personally can alter a fact to meet our needs.
So within reason, it is OK not to share everything. It brings an opportunity to have a conversation 5 years from now over a glass of wine when you are on a cruise ship in the Mediterranean Sea, or at dinner two weeks from now. Everything will come out in time and we all are fallible in our memories.
Forgiveness in ourselves and in others is difficult (I am still working on it) but worth it when you can laugh over the stupid things we all did in our youths and in love.
@appalovesyou I can relate to what you are experiencing in a more general way (not specific to your exact situation).
It sounds to me like what he told you is not the actual root or issue, but that it triggered a deep fear or insecurity that you have. We all have them, but some of us who have been through particularly challenging events or trauma, etc., might have a much harder time working through these situations because of the way our brains are hardwired.
In the past, I have found CBT to be helpful as a way to organize my anxious thoughts and work towards reframing them into more realistic ones. I have struggled with intense fear of abandonment issues, and things could be going along perfectly fine until a triggering event or piece of information triggers that intense internal fear, and then I struggle to keep things even.
It sounds like you are approaching this in a mature and rational way. I really hope that things improve and that you find some insight here. Wishing you all the best.
@helper127
thank you so much for your response!!
do you have any tricks or any tips and tricks about CBT? Ir give me any insight? It’s really hard in my country to get CBT or therapy because of long and unrealistic waiting lists.
lots of love ❤️
@appalovesyou you are very welcome. How I learned CBT initially was to read the book Feeling Good by David Burns, MD. He details what it is and how to practice it, and I think there is also a workbook.