Should I leave him?

Hi everyone,

I’m 21 and contemplating leaving my boyfriend of 8 months. We worked together a few years ago and back in July I saw him again at my new job and we started talking. I was only 4 months post-breakup with another guys and more focused on loving/learning myself than dating so I didn’t expect much to come from us hanging out one time. That turned into us hooking up fast and basically dating. The first week of us hanging out he lashed out, out of no where and called me out of my name and left my apartment. I was so confused but didn’t fight to learn why he lashed out and we went a few weeks without talking. He randomly texted me a few weeks later and I guess that’s where you could say we started dating.

He claims he acted like that because he went through my phone, but at the time I didn’t have social media and I was not actively talking/texting any males so I’m unsure what he seen that could’ve made him lash out. I knew I was going against my own rules I had just made for myself but I can’t lie I crave love and connection. The last 8 months have been full of me getting more attatched and him becoming more comfortable with disrespecting me. I’ve forgiven cheating, him constantly talking down on me despite me being the bread winner in the relationship. He hasn’t held down a stable job since we met. He drives my car. I always help because that’s just who I am. I’m a full time college student and I work full time also but I’ve found my attention mainly been on wondering if he’s gonna cheat, when he’ll randomly lash out or when anything bad will happen. My anxiety is always on 100.

We moved into an apartment together in January. His name is on the lease because his credit is better but I make all the money and pay for everything. Whenever I bring up something he does that hurt my feelings he tells me to get out of his apartment, then later after I’ve cried, tells me how much he loves me and never wants to lose me. Logically I should’ve been left but I guess the little abandoned girl inside of me just feels heartbroken when he says things like that or call me out of my name.

I went through his phone for the first time in months yesterday and didn’t find anything too alarming besides him replying to a girl’s note on ***. I told him we agreed no new friends of the opposite gender. He said I’m a “tweaker” and I cried because I just wanted to be understood and reassured. Sometimes he makes me feel so low I don’t want to work. I had PTO so I figured I would give myself 30 mins to cry it out and then go to work. He says “I’m letting other b****es get in my head so much that I won’t to make my bread.”

I’m not perfect. I am loyal, understanding, helpful, and kind so his constant downing me or “raige baiting” as he calls it is mentally draining me. After all of that he held me and said he was sorry and I took it the wrong way. He often says horrible things and then says he didn’t mean it and reassures me he wants me and only me. He says it’s a “Gemini thing”.

I have enough money to start looking for my own apartment, but I don’t have family or friends near so I know leaving him means I’ll be all alone. He knows this too because he often says “we’re all each other have.” When it’s good it’s good, but when it’s bad it’s bad for me. How could my best friend also be my biggest enemy. I don’t know what to do.