Situationship with my ex

Hello, I just wanted to share my thoughts and maybe get some feedback how I can improve Self-esteem, because I feel like I am drowning the last couple of weeks. So me and my ex broke up about a half a year ago, but we’re still meet each other and sleep together through all of this time. We do have big fights big time, Mostly because of the money that he owns me Because after the break up, he wanted to stay in The house that we both Paid for, And I bought all of the furniture in that house so.. He kept everything and said he will pay me off and I went back to my parents house. I still didn’t get any money and I also feel like it’s a manipulation tactic to keep me around but not pay me because I am always bringing him something and always help him if he needs something. I feel like I have a strong feeling of anxiety and I’m really anxious that I will lose him because I love him so much and I still do. He also says that he loves me, But recently, we’ve been fighting a lot because I am wondering what is he doing and where he’s going and who he’s chatting with and it makes him feel controlled and under pressure he doesn’t like that so he Fight fights with me. I’m just really scared to be abandoned and Left alone and I’m also scared that I will never meet a person who make me feel the way he made me feel. I didn’t have multiple relationships, but never have felt so much love as I did to him. While our break up with it, find so strong that he allowed himself to push me on the bed or hold me down when I wanted to stand up so I had bruises on my arms. Nobody knows that of course, because I am ashamed that people are gonna judge me because I am still going back to him after all this time. I just love him so much, and I just never can find the right time to let him go or to go away by myself. I am mostly the one who is reaching out And I’m also always the one who is coming to him. And I think he knows that. All this Situationship is Kept in private because my parents hate him after all he did and I’m too ashamed to admit that I am still in contact with him. I can just not break this vicious cycle and I don’t know what to do. I know I have to love myself more than I love him but it’s just not possible for me., I feel like I always laugh my point more than I love myself. In my head, all the things that I do wrong, but I can’t fight against my heart. I feel so weak and depressed, and I also cry every second when I think about it. I just wanted to share my thoughts and talk to someone about that maybe have someone been in this situation?