So lost…

So my boyfriend and I were supposed to move in together. (Met a year and a half ago, officially dating for 8months). We’ve been looking at places, applying, talking about what he would keep, what I would keep, we involved my kid in all this etc. I had an apartment visit on Wednesday which he couldn’t attend.. I told him all about it and he literally told me “I made an executive decision, we won’t move in together this year”… I was clearly upset and he told me it’s because we are not ready and need to take our time to make sure we’re strong enough etc. I starting arguing a bit saying it was very nonchalant and selfish of you to just say it like that after we had made the decision etc etc etc, he proceeded to say “well remember I didn’t even want to be in a relationship in the first place”. At that point, I got *** and hung up. He started blowing up my phone to the point he called my kid and asked her to put me on the line. Proceeded telling me I was acting like a child, too sensitive, that he did that for us etc.

The next day, he told me we should talk about it in person and that I should accompany him in his therapy session. At first I was hesitant but ultimately agreed. I texted him that at 11am, he left me on read all day. At 4pm, I told him “so you’re coming today, right?” He answered an hour later saying “my brother asked me if we could do a music session at my place tonight since everything that happened”

I have asked him several times to please not involve his family in our discussions or arguments for obvious reasons but he keeps doing it. That night I got home and my intrusive thoughts started… I was sad, I was angry, I was confused and lost and felt unheard and uncared for. I got petty… changed our background in iMessage, stoped sharing my location, asked him when he’s come and get his Xbox etc. (I take full blame for the ridiculous actions). He asked me if I was okay and saying he was concerned for my safety… totally strange. He told me “I’m on my way, I’ll be there in 45”. I told him several time not to come because I knew how it would turn out. When I’m in that state I don’t communicate and become that *** no one wants to be around. He still came and that’s when *** broke loose… I spilled my heart out, said some pretty mean stuff, so did he and I ultimately showed him the door and told him we were broken up….

I feel horrible. I regret it so much. I love that guy more than anything… I told him several times I was sorry and that I wanted us to work on this. Ever since, he’s cold, barely answers and just ignores me all day. He sent me a message today saying that he needed time to think and process everything… here is the convo:

Him: Sorry about the way I responded yesterday. I’m just overwhelmed and up till now I didn’t have the energy or time to translate my thoughts and share them in more detail with you (thus my unclear/ short and simple request for space) even right now I have zero time (Monday morning madness lol) but I am taking it because last night made me realize why you are confused with my lack of communication. Also made me realize the importance of sharing in more detail what I’m feeling and where I’m at so I can help ease the anxiety you have as a result to my silence. The way Friday night went down, really shook me up and I am not only hurt and need to deal with that, but that was a lot to swallow. I realized a lot of things about you, about us. I lost complete trust in our relationship because of it. I dropped everything to come and check on you to make sure you were OKAY given the texts. And my being in the exact same situation in the past and ended up in the hospital prompted Neto not let that happen to you, regardless of the consequences. But I ended up making it worse and got dumped. Since I process things slower, I’m having a very hard time dealing with the immediate request to get back together as if nothing happened. There was a lot of things said (by both of us) and I need time to remember/replay and gather everything in a list so we can have a proper discussion. As a coping mechanism to avoid feeling pain my mind just lost the memory of it all as a normal trauma response and it will be important to cover it all if we want to give us a fair chance to repair this. As it stands, I’m starting to remember some things and as you can imagine, the images in my head are not pretty. That being said, there are many reasons why I am unable to give any part of me or reconnect on any level (even if it’s good energy) at the moment. It’s not a bad thing, it’s what’s healthy for me and what I will need to be able to do my part in fixing this. Individual therapy around the events of the last couple months are what will help me heal. Which will take time. And until I’m healed I’m no good to anyone. I would expect you to do the same introspective work on yourself as well, before we can get to that discussion. All that being said I do love you and that will never change, I do want to work things out and get back to the vision we both had of our future and building a life together. Despite having said there’s no going back from your decision. In conclusion = we need to take time to process - heal - come to a place where we can fully forgive each other, which means a long discusion or multiple ones. Develop an action plan = so we don’t find ourselves here ever again. And we need to make concrete pacts that will strengthen our relationship moving forward

My response: My beautiful love, thank you so much for this message. I agree with you 100%.. there’s some work needed here on both ends individually and together. I apologize for all the mean things I said, all things I said out of anger and sadness, confusion and immaturity, which I absolutely did not mean and know are untrue. I know you came out of love and concern and I am so sorry I didn’t see it like that on the moment… god knows if I could go back in time, I’d do things so differently… with so much more love and care… Dan I want you to know I take full responsibility for my actions and I am deeply regretful and embarrassed for my actions.

I’ve taken steps to better myself, including staying away from alcohol, and having a meeting with a therapist today. I am realizing I am way too stressed and it’s causing me issues in my life and relationships. I will quit school for now until I feel ready enough. I will

Start the gym as well to

Start working on my physical and mental health. All these changes are to better myself and my relationships. I want you to know I am 100% open to collaborating in the reconciliation process, whenever you are ready.

I am sorry for spamming you, know I meant no harm at all. I feel stressed and lost and I am scared of losing you forever… you are the person I want to spend the rest of my days with.

I promise to give you your space, give you the time you need, fix what I broke in any way possible and move on from this better and stronger, if that’s what you want of course.

I love you Dan, I admire you and I am your #1 fan

We are both going through so much stress, getting poor sleep etc. We’re both on edge, we’re both drained. I just want clarity…. I know I messed up, so did he (he hasn’t admitted that yet) I know my message to him shows that I take full blame and that I was the problem, solely even if it’s false. I just want opinions… pas experiences, tips anything! Am I getting my hopes up?

Thank you ❤️