...

So many things I want to say, yet I end up saying nothing, because even if I screamed them at the top of my lungs, no one would truly understand.

To drown in my tears and in my poetry until my throat closes and I can't breathe anymore.

To betray my healing, my spirituality, everything I am and everything I believe in, just to lie down and bleed for a while, metaphorically. It's not as though I haven't genuinely thought about it already...

My soul can no longer carry this battered body, worn down by everything, as if being this young somehow made it any lighter.

How love steals your spirit away, leaving you powerless. No matter how hard you fight, it shouldn't feel like you're being torn apart alive, much less leave you condemned to misery forever.

To lose all trust, with no sense of where to go or why to keep moving. You don't want to anymore. The help doesn't help. The advice, the methods you once used to help others heal, they no longer work on you.

And it hurts. It hurts to suffer this deeply over things that seem so absurd. To not even want to feel this way. To try to see everything the way everyone else does, and simply... not be able to.

It isn't healthy. It isn't fair. It shouldn't be this way.

I wish I could fall asleep without fearing what I might see about my future. Without having to disappoint my guides just because I want to blind myself and keep walking toward the edge with a blindfold on.

So all that's left is a quiet resignation and my writing. My aching soul, and everything that comes with it, until I find my way out... or simply leave, and lose the battle.

And still, everything will keep moving forward, even if people say that life is so much more than love, and more than the injustice of not getting the ending you had imagined. That it's more than that wide-eyed girl looking at you as though you were the most precious thing in the world. More than the damned flowers you loved, even though you hated having to pick them. More than the sound of her heartbeat that you never truly got to feel beating alongside your own.

Just memories. And more memories. Until the very end of my existence, until I decide where my life will come to a stop... or whether, at last, I simply can't endure it anymore.