Texting my mother

I want to send a text to my mom but I’m scared it’s not okay. Can I get advice? Should I call her or text it? I know she will be upset with me and will probably go south. I do need to get this off my chest though. Here it is so far:

“I’ve been holding a lot in, and I think it’s starting to really weigh on me. I don’t want to carry resentment, and I’m not saying any of this to be harsh. I just want to be honest about how I’ve been feeling.

Before the wedding, when you texted me all those hurtful things, I know you were going through a lot but I was already overwhelmed and heartbroken about everything going on with Dad too. Dad was not acting all there and he was saying cruel things to me. That he wasn’t going to walk be down the aisle, that he “might” show up. Hearing this from my dad was horrible and still hurts. That’s why I can’t talk to him because I’m so hurt and I don’t know if I will ever not be and that makes me very sad because I love him. When I felt that same kind of pain coming from you too, it felt unbearable. I spent weeks on the couch, feeling like a burden like no one loved me.

Then on the day of the wedding, when you snapped at me about forgetting my dress and shoes in the jeep, it made me cry. I was so overwhelmed. You knew it hurt me. I was about to go down the aisle. I don’t think you realized how hard I was trying to hold it together. I kept worrying about you and Nana and trying to make sure everyone else was okay, and I and felt like no one was actually thinking about me and how I might need some support on my wedding day because I was so nervous and scared.

And this might sound small, but it meant a lot to me: I got cards from everyone on Jake’s side but not from you, or Mason, or Nina. I only got a text from Dad, and that already hurt so much. I just wanted someone from my side to show that they loved me and weren’t disappointed in me. My support system is already so small, and I felt forgotten. I know you gave money, and I’m truly grateful but it wasn’t about that. It was about feeling seen and loved by my mom. You’re the person I care about most. I just wanted a few words something like I love you or I’m proud of you on one of the biggest days of my life.

And then there was what Nana did. She didn’t do the breakfast and mimosa bar that morning because she was mad I didn’t want the decorations. Then she gave me all the leftover bacon and mimosa stuff weeks later and it made me really sad. I talked to her about it and she apologized but with everything going on it just felt like everyone was mad at me and taking it out on me on my wedding day.

I didn’t do the hair with you and Dad because I felt pressured into it. I know that might not seem like a good reason, but I didn’t want to feel like I’d be emotionally punished for not going along with something you wanted. I probably would have said yes if you and Dad had approached it in a respectful way and if, when I said no, my decision had been accepted without guilt or hate. From the beginning, I said I wanted the wedding to be done my way, in a non-traditional. At first, everyone said they supported that, but once it applied to you and Dad directly, it felt like that support faded. And even though it may not have seemed like it, I really was thinking about you and Nana the entire time. I wanted to make sure you felt included and comfortable. I even planned to put Nana up at the top of the church if Dad ended up coming. So when it was made to feel like I didn’t care about either of you, it hurt because I was doing my best to think about everyone, even while carrying a lot myself.

I feel like everyone’s mad at me or quietly resents me after everything that has happened with my wedding. I feel like everything that went wrong has somehow become my fault. And I know that might not be what anyone means to do but that’s how it feels. I’m not trying to pick a fight. I just don’t want to keep all this inside anymore. I want us to be okay. I want to feel like your daughter again not someone you’re frustrated with or disappointed in.”