This is long, I apologize. I’ve been quiet for a long time.

So, I haven’t really been okay with talking about this with my friends. At this point I need to, because I feel hopeless. Since I was young, I’ve had only long term relationships. I’m 18, and every boyfriend I’ve had has abused me mentally or physically. I had never wronged any partner I’ve ever had until now. I ended my last relationship (3 years) last year due to constant cheating. Maybe a bit too soon I got with my current boyfriend, and things were good. I had never had a relationship like this one. He was everything I’d ever wanted. It started out with porn. I was already insecure, and these girls looked nothing like me. It hurt tremendously. It sounds silly, but as someone who finally felt like they were the only girl to catch her boyfriend’s eye, that ripped my heart in two. I asked him to stop looking at it, and made him promise over and over every time he broke the last. I gave him whatever he wanted even when I wasn’t in the mood. I felt better thinking maybe, even if it meant it hurt a little bit each time I had to pretend I wanted it, that at least it was me. He was still watching porn at that time, and I kept catching it. I almost left him multiple times, but he belittled it. Even now I feel stupid hurting so deeply over it. I should be used to worse, so I don’t know why this hurt more than any mental/physical abuse I’d ever endured. That’s not all. I found out he cheated with a girl online in the beginning of our relationship a while after the porn stuff happened. They had phone sex. I stayed, and she was blocked. I watched his phone every day after. He continued to look at porn and make me feel crazy each time I found it. He could’ve convinced me I put it there. I stayed every time even though it was breaking my heart to have every promise broken. I gave him everything, and it wasn’t enough for it to just be me. I began to fall out of love for a bit, or so I thought. I went numb and just let him take what he wanted when he wanted it because maybe it would make me feel better again. It didn’t. I couldn’t trust him and I felt beyond betrayed and fooled. I started talking to an ex of mine he was friends with, it was actually the ex from the relationship previous to this one. I started to feel something again. I vented to him a little, and I got the reassurance I’d been begging for for so so long. It almost made me forget how badly he’d treated me. I didn’t want to be with him, and he knew that. I guess it felt nice to have the apologies I’d longed for for so so long. Not only that, just to finally be able to let it all out to someone who wasn’t going to judge me. It was platonic. We are much better as friends. I went down a deeper slope with my current boyfriend, and decided I needed to get away. My ex picked me up, got me lunch and we smoked together. I cried for a very long time in his car, solely for the fact that I’d wronged my boyfriend. He reassured me and took hours to calm me down. I did let him hug me for a bit, because really, I more than needed it. The fact I let him touch me made me cry more. I had a friend bring me home later that night. I told my boyfriend everything the next day, and we ended it for the night. I cried until I threw up, 12 hours straight. He was fine with us just being friends..like…way too okay with it. I thought I needed a break, but I really just wanted to be treated correctly. I wanted him to treat me correctly and I wanted to feel worthy of love. I begged him to work it out with me the next day, and we decided to. Two days later, we decided to move back to his mom's place (We were living with my parents) and I packed our things. He then told me he lost feelings for me and that I caused him to be numb. I became hurt and angry. I was both just at the thought of how many chances I gave him and all that I went through but I messed up once and it was over for him. I never even got told when he messed up, I had to find out. I eventually forced myself to tell myself that I’m the whole problem. If I were better he wouldn’t had made the mistakes he did, and I messed up and it’s my fault. I found out when we broke up before he and one of my friends were talking and he told her he had feelings for her and he forced them say during our relationship. That broke me when I saw it, and I started screaming at him. I could’ve handled that way better, but it hurt beyond words. She told him she didn’t want a relationship, and he suddenly wanted me back. I took him back. After that, things were really rocky. I guess now that he felt he could do anything and not lose me, that was a free pass to hurt me. It got to the point one night I straight up told him I needed help, and that I was a danger to myself. I wanted to be booked somewhere I felt safe. No steps were taken and I went to work the next day exhausted mentally and physically. I don’t feel wanted anymore, and I feel less than I ever have. He keeps telling me how the girl he tried to leave me for wouldn’t do certain things I do that annoy him. They annoy him because I care enough to make sure these things are done. (Such as making sure he’s up for work in the morning at the right time, making the bed, asking for help just carrying laundry upstairs, asking him not to talk to the girl he left me for, and just asking to be considered in general). I feel constantly compared to someone who wouldn’t ever love him the way I do. Every time I try to talk to him about it he says I’m trying to argue, but every time I tell him why something bothers me all I get is “Bruh” and then something along the lines of “I just won’t talk to anyone then”,“I just won’t do anything I like anymore”, etc. then he says I started the argument, when I was just begging for some sympathy and understanding. I don’t know where to go from here. I really love him and I want to make this work, but I don’t know how to when I’m hurting like this and unable to talk to him.