Toxic Environment

I don’t see a thread for toxic families in here. But I need to get it off my chest. My situation is complicated and there are so many things that I have to hide or put on a face around other people just to protect my mom. When really deep inside I just want to straight up say how things are. But I don’t because at the end of the day I still love her despite her anger issues and emotional abuse I’ve endured my whole life.

Lemme just start with the fact that I’ve never been able to say how I feel about something in terms of my feelings of being hurt or that she has anger issues. She denies it/has never apologized to me once in my entire life. I remember as a kid she would get in my face and be very angry, she’d break things, throw things, get very loud and rant, say cruel things when she was angry. I just remember her manifesting into a completely different person. As a kid I knew this was wrong. I knew that this wasn’t like the happy families I saw on tvs or next door. I knew such anger shouldn’t be real. Despite my attempts at protecting myself I was shown I was in the wrong. I’m the child is what she’d tell people, she just pushes and pushes. But the truth was I was just protecting myself. There are only bits of my childhood that I remember and all with her are negative. But because I never explained what was going on to the outside world I was deemed the problem, I wish I told the public and people around me when I was younger but I knew what that could result in, so I never did.

I’m 23 and still living with my parents. My mom’s anger has sizzled down. But she very much so still has it. Just talking to her in general she’s never really cared to listen. It’s literally like she’s not there. She’ll stare off into the distance. Will “hmm” or “woow” or make little comments as if she’s listening but it’s in a unamused way. She’s different with certain people. She’s present, makes eye contact, laughs, and is there.

As I’ve gotten old I’ve accepted it but I’ll say “you’re not even listening” to point out the obvious. Even approaching her and asking her questions or saying things I’ve had to learn that she’s always going to have some sort of response, judgmental, critical, or cold maybe distant. She never asks about me. She never has. She doesn’t care to check in on me or how I’m doing. Tonight she asked if I could put the dishes away. I said I don’t think I can tonight. Before I could even go on with me sentence she said “oh *** (my name)” and so I just left cuz she was already angry. I went out on the patio to get my cat because I don’t want my cat out there when she’s angry. Because in my 20s I’ve seen how she’s treated our animals when she’s angry and it reminds me of my childhood I swear to god. But anyways she was shaking and breathing heavy. My dad was out there too staring at me. She said angrily so why can’t you put away dishes she said while also mocking me. I said do I really have to explain myself I just don’t feel good. And I was cut off but I tried continuing my sentence. Something I’ve been doing recently because she always talks over me and gets very upset when I don’t shut up when she expects me too. But anyways she started talking over me very angry and saying I do thinks all the time when I don’t feel good and went on to saying more but it’s just not worth my energy, so I took my cat inside.

This wasn’t even bad just disrespectful. But I went to ask if I could hit her vape in the past id know she’s angry and there’s no point but I’m not afraid of her anger anymore just drained. She held it shaking saying idk are you gonna but away the dishes. Her eyes huge I could see the whites on both top and bottom. She just stares into my souls without blinking like she wasn’t me to be afraid. So I just stare back into her eyes and I’m like I told you I’m not feeling good I’ll do it in the morning though and she’s like “right” in a mocking tone. I said can I hit your vape and she’s like I’ll let you have one puff in an angry tone and she hands the vape over to me shaking from anger her eyes still big. It’s so weird when she get angry she feels the need to stare me down. I remember breaking in the past and looking away but I don’t do that no more. I notice the longer I stare back the more angry she gets. So I know she wants to one up me. Idk there’s so much more.

Let’s just say I’m basically hibernating rn because of how *** this situation is, broken promises, not helping me learn basic adulting skills, not caring to help me grow. And etc. I’m not here asking for advice on how to manage. I do that plenty and I’m working on it. My situation is so complex but I know there are others out there who are deskingI’m asking for support, for someone who is also dealing with a toxic parent.