erm help

Okay, so, I was 15 and struggling with loneliness and decided to install a dating app, just to talk to other people and nothing else, I swear. I matched with this older man, who was 31 at the time, while I was lying on the app about my name and age. We started talking on another app three weeks after matching when I gave him my number. Our connection was inconsistent, but had a romantic undertone the whole time. But I got insecure a lot since I was literally lying about my identity to him. The guilt ate away at me after 10 months of talking because I grew to really care about him, so, one day, I thought it’d be best to just leave since I couldn’t imagine telling him the truth. I told him I was in love with him then ghosted him. 6 months later, I texted him again now that I was finally ready to admit to my lies and apologize to him. He seemed indifferent to everything, but still let me keep in contact with him. A few months later, I had the opportunity to take a trip to his state, thanks to my school, and I told him about it. He said he’d be interested in hanging out, which I thought was different because I was underage at the time still. Before the trip began though, they told us we couldn’t bring our phones with us, so, of course, we didn’t meet. When I got home, he said he was happy that I got to go, but seemed indifferent again. Maybe upset that we didn’t meet or upset with me in general? We talked on and off for a few more months. I sent him a drawing I did of him. He did not respond. It hurt because, at the same time, I was planning a trip with my family to go back to his state, just to visit again but also to see him. I felt heartbroken, but moved on with another man after to push off the pain. That connection ended though after a year, so I reached out to this older man again. I’m of age now, and he responded back and said he didn’t respond to my photo because he felt I was just busy with school. But I think that’s an excuse. I don’t know. I don’t know what to make of this situation anymore. I still care about him very much and want to meet him still, but I can’t tell if he’s upset with me or not due to him not being emotionally expressive. I just want some advice because I know I sound crazy with my constant back and forth with this man.