i think i messed things up

me and my partner have had a strong but difficult relationship (because of things we have been dealing with in our lives) and generally i have felt like if i had to talk to someone about something, i would talk to my boyfriend. if i needed someone to be there for me, he would be there. and if he needed me in the same way, i would always remind him i will always be there for him. i check in on him occasionally although we are both busy, and i honestly just get worried a lot for him.

but i haven't gotten a response in over a week, i tried calling and his voicemail was full, and i'm just trying to not freak out about it. we took a break over the summer from talking as he was dealing with something serious. i knew he needed space and i wasn't going to pressure him into not taking it. i just wanted things to get better for him. but i cannot express how badly i was grieving him, as i had no idea what was happening or if i would ever hear from him again.

now that thought is just sort of back. i don't want to assume he's just decided to disappear, we had plans, we were talking about visiting another state together, i was telling him i could see if my parents wouldn't mind driving me from my family's house to his over winter break. when we saw each other after a long time over the summer, we just held each other for a while. i stayed overnight with him and we just talked for hours. after i woke up i had a panic attack which has been happening more often for some reason and i felt horrible when he woke up to me in that state.

since all that i just feel like i was given a second chance and i messed everything up. i feel like everything had been fine until i had that panic attack and i had just been too much for him to deal with. and i don't mind if he expresses that to me. i just want to know what is happening. i'm so afraid of losing him, but not knowing anything is just making it worse.