ive been broken up with because of my anxiety

for the past two days ive been bed rotting. I haven't had enough energy to take a shower, get more water, eat, or use the bathroom. ive only gone to the bathroom twice and ive been surviving off of one bottle of water. even writing this post so far is taking a lot of effort for me

I haven't felt this way in a very long time. I use to use this site when my life felt like it was in shambles, and it made me feel a lot better, so im hoping that it works in my favor again

my girlfriend told me that until im more mentally stable we need to take a break from our relationship. she framed it as something that would benefit us both in the long run, but I don't see how this is going to help me. im already stressed out that I don't know what I want to do with my life.I got an internship over the summer and it made me realize that I don't want to work in the career field that I had been pining for

I don't have close friends or have a supportive family. typically my father only cares that im aliv, housed, and fed, nothing further. he's very selective about what he cares about. we got into a big argument for me to even be medicated for my anxiety and depression because he has an anti science mindset and thinks that all pills are poison. he's a big reason why I feel like im so messed up

the one sibling that I did have is gone forever. I think that my step mother cares for me to some degree and wants the best for me. we can't get closer past surface level though. it's not that she's done anything wrong. it just very hard for me to accept her. it hurts and makes me feel uncomfortable to see my father in a long term relationship with another woman other than my mom. to make matters worse, she tries to solve the issues between me and my father. I understand that she's trying to help, but she wasn't there to witness my hellhole of a childhood to know what I went through went him

I don't have any friends that I can talk to. I can't even talk to her friends now because she doesn't want me to be around them. she was the only thing that made me feel like I had structure

meanwhile she told me that I was making her life a living ***. im not mad or upset at her for choosing what makes her feel the most at peace. a big part of me feels glad that she did. I feel so hopeless though. im scared that she's going to gve up on me

she told me to focus on improving my mental health so that we can build our relationship back up to how it was before, but I feel so heartbroken now that I can barely get out of bed. how am I suppose to focus on my mental health?

my mental health is what wrecked our relationship. it was too much on her. my anxiety peaked at night, which meant that I would sleep during the day time as a result. this caused us so many problems. she wanted to talk to me, go on dates, rely on me to do tasks that couldn't be done at night, answer her texts, yk be an available partner

and I would either be sleeping or too sleepy to give her the attention that she deserved. we got into an argument about it on thanksgiving day

she thinks that all the usual sleep remedies should automatically put me to sleep. so she had me use earplugs, wear a sleeping mask, drink tea, and take melatonin every night. it was a very sweet gesture, and I feel fortunate that she cares about my well being, but I had to explain to her on multiple occasions that this only made me feel worse

the melatonin made my heart beat faster for some reason. I could hear my heart beating rapidly from having in earplugs and this made my anxiety worse. and I had the urge to rip off the sleeping mask every 3 minutes to make sure that no one was standing over me

the night before thanksgiving day, I told her " I don't know what they put in here but it makes me feel sick. it makes my stomach hurt and I always feel slightly dizzy after taking it" and she quickly snapped back at me " you know what, if you don't want to take the melatonin, don't take it. just know that if you're showing any signs of being sleepy tomorrow you can stay at your parents house for the rest of the week"

I should've just listened to her and took the melatonin even if it was going to make me feel shtty the next day

every single night, I would say that this was going to be the night that I was going to fix my sleeping schedule. then I would lie awake in bed for hours until I saw that it was becoming light outside, which is when I gave up on that dream and just decided to go on my phone or read a book. this night was no different

I was tired the whole thanksgiving day, and she wasn't very happy about it, which led to one of the worse thanksgivings of my life

a few days into that repeating cycle of me promising to fix my sleeping schedule, then staying awake all night, she started giving me a list of chores to do because she felt like I needed more day time responsibilities

an average list looked like •do the laundry, • take boxes to the dumpster, •go drop off a few packages to be returned, •sweep and mop the whole apartment, •clean the mirrors, •clean the windows, •wash the dishes, •vacuum the loft area, and •go to the library to find the books that she wanted

but sometimes she added extra like clean my car or her car, respond to her emails, do all the laundry, organize the fridge and freezer, and these tasks alone would take hours to complete

I felt like she gave me these long to do list not only because she thought that it would tire me out so that I could sleep at night, but also because she was upset that I wasn't facing any consequences for affecting her life with my anxiety. sometimes it seemed like she was making these to do list harder to complete on purpose

she used to clean the dishes as she cooked, so usually there would be a spoon, a strainer, and a few measuring cups in the sink by the time that she was done cooking. but after she started assigning me all these tasks, there would be two pots, a dicing tray, multiple forks and spoons, two bowls, a pan, a whisk, tongs, a strainer, and a measuring cup. the sink would be overflowing with dishes. I don't understand what she used a lot of the dishes for to make seemingly simple meals

additionally, anytime that she tried on clothes they would go straight in the hamper. im not saying newly bought clothes, but clothes straight from the closet, worn for four minutes, then tossed in the hamper

I noticed all this but ignored it because I felt like this was what I deserved. I only said something after the chores became unbearably time consuming and repetitive. she would raise her voice at me while calling me good for nthing, lzy, and incompetent if all the things on the list weren't done

that's what she did when I told her that I had other things to do besides chores and pointed out how a lot of them didn't need to be done on a regular basis

despise all the issues we were having, I still was happy to be with her. anytime that I had intense anxiety the only thing that made me feel better was cuddling with her. it made me feel more grounded and safe

she did not care to cuddle with me unless she was getting some type of sxual gratification out of the interaction. I knew this for sure when a few weeks ago, while we were scrolling on our phones in bed, I told her "being this close to you makes me feel so grounded and safe. you indirectly make my anxiety easier to manage" I was thinking about how it had been a long week for us both and this was an honest attempt to let her know how much I appreciated her

she told me "well it's real fair that you're getting something physical out the relationship, and im not" any chance that she got she would bring up the fact that she felt unsatisfied with how that area of our relationship was going. in general, she would redirect a lot of our conversations to the state of my mental health and how it was affecting our relationship

I think that she did this because she was extremely frustrated with me for being exceptionally anxious and listless, and letting me know was cathartic for her, and she hoped that it would force me out of being anxious and depressed

in actuality, it just gave me more to worry about. I started feeling more and more pressured to hide my anxiety symptoms from her. I felt pressured to hide just about any emotion from her other than joy, excitement, and yk the hots

ive cried every single day these last few weeks, even if I felt like it was a good day. she makes sure that I know of her disdane to me being so emotional, which makes me feel a lot more guilty for being this way

ive tried journaling, practicing stoicism, taking walks, mediating, medicating (for my anxiety) but to my core, im sensitive. the moment something bothersome happens, im crying or visibly mad. anytime someone speaks to me in a loud, even slightly angry tone, I instantaneously get a lump in my throat and the urge to cry

I feel ashamed of it, and I try my absolute hardest not be so emotionally reactive, but I just can't keep my emotions inside of me. I feel like past abuse has made me into a big cry baby. I wish that I could be one of those people who seem stronger from their past experiences

the phrase "what doesn't kll you makes you stronger" makes me feel jealousy and sadness because I feel like all my past experiences have made me weaker somehow

I keep thinking that ive healed, therefore that im in better control of my emotions, but it's like im holding it all in and it eventually comes out the second im in a stressful period of my life. now ive made my life a *** of a lot worse

I hate myself for ruining everything with her. she was my only hope to having any semblance of a normal, loving relationship. every day I would worry that she was going to pass away or break up with me. the sad part is me worrying like that is what pushed her away

when I would do things like go in the bathroom to make sure that she didn't slip in the shower when I heard a soap bottle fall, or ask her if I should get help during her having a mild choking fit, things like that. she told me that she found them annoying and thought that I needed to stop being so overdramatic. I felt so foolish every time that she indeed did not pass away. I tried not to let my irrational thoughts effect her, but it always seemed like a life or dth situation to me in the moment. I was convinced that taking action was better than her passing away just because I didn't want her to think that I was looney tunes

when protecting her felt like it was out of my control, my anxieties got a lot worse. I had to try my hardest not to cry every time she left for work or went to spend time with her family or friends

most mornings I could not calm myself down. I was a mess from trying not to cry, gagging from anxiety, and trying to catch my breath from the anxiety attacks that I was experiencing. I would have to isolate myself in the bathroom because I didn't want to ruin her morning

im gonna stop here. thank you if you stayed to listen to me vent about this